Prayer for the Religiously Persecuted

Today is the international day of prayer. Did you know? I’m a hermit and didn’t know until I saw the video in the link below. I implore you to watch this. It’s about religious persecution. I actually cried.
Believe it or not, many people are persecuted every day. However, it is rarely, if ever brought up in the news. I can’t give you facts and figures (I have no memory for it). But it’s a large number. It’s a heinous crime. And no one ever talks about it.
I was lucky enough to be born in a country that gives me my basic right to believe what I wish. But so many others are not. Remember to pray for them because they need it. Everyone does, even those in free countries like mine.
It’s not just Christianity. It’s just not right to hurt people because of what they believe. I believe that all people deserve freedom of opinions. I believe that God gave Adam and Eve the choice, and so we should let everyone choose for themselves. There’s nothing wring with telling others about your religion; there is something very wrong, however, when the choice is taken away.
Personally, I will never stop believing and spreading my faith. But to push a religion on people is a terrible thing to do. Please, tell people about religious persecution. Share the video. Anything. So few people know about this issue, even those whose faith is so greatly affected elsewhere. I know it’s one of those things that some people try or want to ignore; it causes the heart and mind so much distress. But the more who know, the more likely it is to have results.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdrsxp_GynU

I just posted a video response to this, so here's my own video. Not nearly as good, I know.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnGItlFB5rA

The Black Hole Containing Only Ourselves

    I’m so broken. I’m so distracted by the world. This summer was amazing, but with school, I can’t study the things I did then. And I somehow ended up in this mess.
    I’m extremely behind in one of my classes, and it is hurting me. And yet I do nothing about it. Not really.
    We all get sucked into this black hole every once in a while where we feel like we can do nothing even though we’re the only ones who can do something.
    I’m taking a stand against myself.
    I’m going to squash those inner demons.
    And I’m going to get back onto God’s path because I clearly cannot take care of myself.
    “We were meant to live for so much more…This is your life. Are you who you want to be?… I dare you to move.” -Switchfoot

A Slice of Reality

     I just read the most refreshing blog post. It was honest. The author was honest about what she was saying. I’ve met her in real, physical life, and to say what she has said directly to others is even tougher. She is one of the strongest people I know, and it’s been a hard life for her. But she had the courage to let Jesus take control, and I admire her greatly. It’s not easy.
     So now I want to be honest. I know I can never be completely honest, but I’m going to try.
     This blog is basically a collage of what I’ve learned, what God has told me. I know I must sound preachy at times. That’s not my intent at all. But by putting things into words, I think it helps me understand on a deeper level. And sometimes, when I feel bad, I look back on old posts and try to remember why I’m here. These posts, they’re for me. They’re also for the world, but I write them for me and give it to the world. The tone? It’s for me, not you.
     I’m sure you’ve caught on that I’m a rather uptight person. Sadly, it appears in my writing. But that’s how God made me, so it must serve some purpose… I hope.
     In this truth circle I seem to have just formed, I’ll tell you about some blunders I’ve made today. When I start something, it’s usually best I continue until I’m finished, because otherwise, it will take longer. I work best by devoting a large amount of time to one, sole thing. They say it’s best in college if you only work on the homework from one class only for one or two hours at a time. I say, do it all in one clump if possible. The reason is that I get distracted easily. When I stop, that allows for a time where other things can and will sidetrack me. Today, I watched far too much TV, and did far too little school work. Why? Well, today it was because my stomach growled at really bad times. Just half an hour ago, while watching a TV crime show, something in the background distracted me, and I hardly paid attention to the show, instead trying to figure out whether I had seen decorative fruits or a painting of fruits. I’m like a dog with three squirrels.
     So it’s not the worst thing in the world. But let me tell you, procrastination and distraction are two terrible traits I have. I’m getting better at the procrastination. In fact, I no longer put the “pro” in “procrastination.” But distractions… Did you know that I was supposed to be writing in a story right now? Clearly, distractions are quite a bother.
     I’m very impatient. Right now, I’m annoying myself because I don’t know where I’m going with this.
     See? I’m a person. Right now, I’m scared. I’m terrified of the future. I keep getting older. In a few months I’ll be a legal adult. Soon, I’ll move out to live with a stranger in a dorm. One terrible year from now, I doubt I’ll be able to snuggle with my cat. He’ll be at least an hour away. And my life skills are severely lacking. The list goes on and on.
     Right now, I’m dealing with the right now. I used to be petrified of the future. Now, I’m only terrified, and most of the time, I’m able to forget that. Why? Because of God. Only last month did He reveal what appears to be what I’ll have as a job one day. It incorporates my few skills that are kind of useless in most places, and it’s something I love. Best of all, it felt right with God. And it all happened right before I needed to narrow down the colleges. Right now I’m at ten, although I think it’s probably closer to six or five in reality (The other four or five are kind of just there, floating in limbo. I have no reason not to go there, but I don’t really want to.).
     This is my life. It’s not fun, it’s really boring, and I have issues. You don’t even know the half of it. But I have to go to sleep because I don’t want to procrastinate tomorrow, like I did today.
     Just remember that we all have our issues. It’s just a matter of how we deal with them. I don’t know about you, but personally, I know Jesus to be my answer.

     “God is God. Because He is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will, a will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to.” Elisabeth Elliot

That Funny Little Thing Called Prayer

     The real blog post begins in paragraph three. Paragraph two is merely a detour.
     Here I am, at the end of my first week back to college. It’s been great and nightmarish. Two of my classes are online (Hooray!). One’s at the college itself. I only go to the college twice a week. As a lifelong homeschooler, I’m used to doing things on my own. It all works out pretty well. And then I contracted some short-lived virus that plagued me the night before and the day of yesterday, my second day in class. My stomach was in an uproar, my head was in shambles, my body forgot it had a brain, and my balance napped at inconvenient times. There was heavy traffic on the way there, so I contacted some friends. Even after they informed me that they were already on campus, I continued to inform them of the backup. See? Brain and mouth not communicating. At least they were amused… I’ve been told that my life is pathetically entertaining. Ah, but you probably do not want to hear about it…
     I want to discuss prayer. And life. And other related things. I’m not really sure how broad or specific this will be. Read on to find out!
     I’m not sure when it happened. Maybe a month ago. But here’s what happened:
     For about a year, I’ve been considering being a Christian counselor. I did a lot of research. I took two psychology classes. I mean, I was really serious about it. I knew I’d need a Master’s, something I was not looking forward to, but I could help people in God’s name, and do something I liked. I mean, that’s the dream, right?
     I was wrong. One day, my mom said something that triggered a memory. Someone, probably my mom, had once asked me if it was a good profession. Why it was a good match. And I suddenly knew; it was not. I was blown away by the question of while I might enjoy the job, would it be good for the other side? Would my patients benefit? I’m not exactly great with people. And I knew it wouldn’t be right to be selfish in that way. I could potentially hurt people. And it didn’t feel right. It actually never felt completely right, but close, and at that moment, it was wrong. It was all wrong. A whole year, gone.
     This last summer (it’s officially fall as of today), I explored my few options. And I found something new. Only one thing: American Sign Language Interpreter. I fell in love with deaf culture a year ago, and something last summer, something clicked. I explored my options, and was again happy. I was only sad in that I had yet to find a backup career.
     Two months, I believe, was I gung-ho for being an ASL interpreter. I was even signed up for ASL 2 at the college before the realization. Things were slipping into place.
     GOTCHA! I realized it was wrong for me. Maybe a month ago, I knew it was wrong, mostly for the same reason psychology was; people are just not in my repertoire. But it was closer that being a counselor had been. I knew I was getting closer.
     My greatest love is words. So I read a book about jobs in writing. Nada. I mean, I really needed to know my major. Wherever I went, I would have to declare a major. I wanted to apply early. And once I had my colleges narrowed down to a few, I could really look into their scholarship information. You see why it was a disheartening summer, right? All the research, Biblical devotions, reading, writing. I was aiming to discover what God wanted from me. And with my SAT scores? I considered taking a year off from school to get a job, and study again for that evil test unknown to my existence until a couple months before I took it. Ah, the huge pitfall of home schooling: your mother as your teacher means your knowledge outside of the subjects could very well only extend to her.
     I’m getting off topic. Let’s see… Ah, yes, I left off with finding out I wasn’t made for ASL interpreting, although ASL is a completely different topic.
     I’m not sure what possessed me that day, perhaps a month ago. Perhaps I do. I think it was from my extensive reading. I was reading a book about writing a novel, and the path it took to get published. Editors and the slush pile are all I really remember gave me the idea. So, I looked up the kind of jobs in a publishing house. Voila!
     The editors edit (of course), and sort through manuscripts. A book editor? Working with fiction? I looked at the entry level position, and even that looked positively lovely.
     I was in love, and I still am. Every little thing feels perfect. This isn’t good; this is very good. I mean, I’d major in English! Preferably literature.
     Sure, there are issues. I mean, I’m not sure exactly how God will work through me, but not everyone can be a missionary. My mom still is urging me to major in journalism because there are a lot more job opportunities, but I’ve never really liked journalism, although I love the word. My dad doesn’t even understand what the job is. But they’re small, and unrelated to what’s important: serving God. (Oh, dear, I do quite overuse colons and semicolons.)
     Counseling was like sticking the key in a door, ASL was turning the key, and editing was like opening the door. For all I know there are other steps, like walking in, cleaning, eating, sleeping, making the bed, etc… But I’m letting God be in charge of my movements. And this is at least a step in the right direction. It only took me, oh, I don’t know, seventeen years and seven months of observing, praying, researching, praying, deciding, praying, and praying to come to where I am now.
     Trust me, I’ve been praying about this for the majority of my life. I know I’m young, but I’m not patient at all. Knowing my major, and possible minors helped me sort through the 200+ colleges (I’m very thorough). And now, with God’s help, I’m embarking on the quest to choose a college. I’m 90% sure which one I want to go to, but I’ve still got to explore my options, with God’s assistance. For all I know, it’s what psychology was at first.
     I’m not sure how else to express where God should be in our lives. He’s a part of everything I do.
     Here’s a question:
     Where does God rank on your list of priorities?
     You have your answer? Here’s mine:
     He’s the paper the list is written on. Without the paper, there is no list. He should be the foundation of everything.
     I’m not going to lie; it gets difficult when God’s answer is to wait. And for the larger things in my life that I’ve prayed about, that tends to be the answer I get. Wait. Wait, Crystal. Be patient. One of these days…      And when He answers, I least expect it. I wasn’t looking for a career when it hit me.
     Just pray. And let God lead you. Because He always hears, and in the end, it’s always worth it.

    
     “I wish I had a quote, but my computer’s not working right. Please, God, please, God, PLEASE let it work this time!” -Joe
     “Not this time.” -God
     “… Fine.” -Joe

You Never Know

     I never knew why I was so drawn to death; though, death on its own is not grandeur. The tragic demise of a hero, the brutal killing of the ones who take a stand… It pulls me in, like a flower to a bee.      Yesterday, while reading, I realized why it is so alluring to me. It is not that I am morbid. No. But I am a Christian. So for me, the best thing in the world is the story of a man who gave his life to offer salvation to everyone else. (And, of course, three days later he rose from the grave.)
     While it is horrible, the case of the martyr is very special. And it affects me deeply. I think it makes me connect better with God. Certainly people will die over very silly things, but let’s not dwell on that.
     (Spoilers from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallow in the next paragraph.)
     One of my favorite fictional characters is Severus Snape. I know, I know, witchcraft and all that. But put it all aside. Okay, so he still would not quite fit the bill of a martyr. But he’s pretty close. He grew up abused. He turned into a horrible person, joined the wrong side, and so on. Then the woman he loves is killed, and in remorse, spies on the evil side. He turns good. But he’s always hates by his own side, he’s always alone, and then, without knowing his betrayal to them, the evil side kills him. And it makes me want to cry. He was only loved by his mother, his childhood friend, and his mentor. They were all dead when he died. No one ever knew him until he was gone. It’s terribly tragic. His whole life was consumed by a war. And in his last moments, he helped the good side to conquer.
     I have been writing a story lately. It is about a war and a girl who has to grow up much too soon to help their army win. It is filled with tragic, seemingly preventable deaths. If it were any other way, it would not be something that I can cherish.
     The whole idea about giving up your life for God, for a cause, for the most important reason possible is largely romantic, and seems silly. But it’s not silly. I mean, those movies where the guy and girl don’t get together and everything seems to fall apart? That’s silly. So much worse things can happen.
     I won’t be sure, probably for a while, but I don’t think I’m supposed to really live like most people do. Not everyone gets married and has 2.5 kids, you know. And honestly, pretty much once I hit junior high, I stopped thinking about marriage and becoming a parent, and whatever else. I’ve hardly ever even thought about “liking” someone since then. And the times I do are insanely brief (think of five minutes as being the maximum). I’m pretty sure that if I weren’t so heinously paranoid, I could live pretty well as a hermit. I’d be the happiest hermit you would ever met. Alas! God does not want us to keep everything to ourselves. As much as I loathe this world, I know I’m meant to be a part of it to bring the Light to others. But I don’t really feel a pull toward marriage and the whole shebang. I think I’m meant to be a Severus Snape. And if God wants that for me, then who am I to say no?
     I know a girl who has no career ambitions to speak of, and who doesn’t really show an interest in college. It’s as if she thinks she’ll marry out of high school (and she’s not dating anyone to speak of). What she wants most of all is to volunteer at a church and raise a family. Maybe that’s her future. Perhaps that’s what God’s telling her. But I just can’t imagine being a housewife, or a mother.
     Some people do have to give up a lot of what their life could have been. I’m willing. I don’t know if it’s in God’s designs, but He’ll let me know one day. But society, Christian society, doesn’t tend to address that some people will be paying a bigger sacrifice for God, such as a spouse, having a cozy job, or sometimes even their life. I’m praying that people listen closely to God when he tells them if what looks like the reasonable choice is the correct choice. It probably is, but you never know. I tell my parents to expect grandchildren from my younger sister before me because it doesn’t seem like it will be in my future, at least my near future. But God’s plans are stronger than my own, and you never know…
     "Sometimes even to live is an act of courage." -Seneca
     "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

Legacy

     Why must everything be profound? Even little things are massive in the grand scheme of things. I’ve read quite a few books of poor quality, or ones that did quite the opposite of satisfying me. Had I given up on them early on, how many hours, how many days of my life would I get back? Little things add up…
     It’s tiring. I can’t reverse how I see things. I regret so much because of it. But I also know that right now, this very second even, I’m doing things I won’t regret. I won’t ever regret writing this blog. It’s too important. I don’t care that hardly anyone reads it; the few who do are a good enough reward.
     My time is so valuable now. Every little break I savor; every time I work on my projects, I glow. It irritates my family that I’m so conscientious of time. I think it’s a grand thing.
     I mean, what if I were to die tomorrow? It’s a morbid thought, perhaps, but it’s also motivational. It’s cliché, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important. I want to stand before God knowing that I made the most of this life. How can I do that if I waste away my time?
     I’m not sure how I got to this topic. I didn’t mean to talk about anything so deeply important. But it’s related, I suppose, to this post’s original purpose. Forgive my confused mind.
     Throughout this summer, I’ve had a list of daily things to accomplish. Every week, I made a new copy. At the end of each day, I’d count up the points. One week, I ran out of room on the double-sided, single spaced notebook paper, and had to just add a “Miscellaneous” category. Since then, I’ve added more and taken others off. It’s shrunk so that I can focus on reading more than a chapter in each book a day, or write more, or so on. And now the list has been greatly narrowed. But how do I choose what to cross off and what to add? How do we as Christians do this? How do we decide what’s important and what to throw away?
     A year ago, I began this terribly bewildering, difficult, and at times, painful quest. I was starting college, so the summer before I gave up some habits. This is embarrassing: as a homschooler, I had a lot of extra time, and almost unlimited access to the computer. After joining Facebook, I found out my mom played this game called Farmville. Ever heard of it? I started playing it as well. That was the time when at least a quarter of my friends were playing, if not more. Then I found other games. Then more. You know what’s sad? I could strategize my way through these games so well, it was not uncommon for me to be the top player among my friends. I was astonished by how much more time I had when I quit all of those things. When school started, I hardly had any time to do any writing for fun. All those notebooks in a giant box in my room sat idle for months at a time. That was truly excruciating for me.
     But where’s the line? What’s okay to cut, healthy even, like Farmville, and what’s hurtful? School took over my life. It gave me anxiety, made me sick, and made it so I stopped attending church and youth group, and stopped volunteering at AWANA. But I was still getting great grades. At the time, that’s what mattered. And now I have to face yet another miserable year of that in a month.
    When God told Noah to build the ark, there was no question about priorities. But not everything is so clear as that. Whenever I’m around something that has to do with psychology, I can’t stop myself from listening. When I learn ASL (American Sign Language), something just clicks. And when I’m reading or writing, I feel positively giddy. So, I’ve got the drive. But which should I devote my time to? Which job area should I pursue? Because everything I do is significant, I can’t imagine making the wrong choice.
     So how do we do it? Where’s the line? What’s healthy and what’s hurtful? While the line is getting clearer in some instances, like which books I should focus on, it gets blurry in others, like whether I should focus most of my time writing a novel I hope to publish (after quite a bit of editing, of course).
     Prayer. Reading the Bible. Talking with those we look to for Biblical wisdom. I’ve heard it all. I’ve tried it all. I’m not saying that these aren’t helpful; far from it! They’ve all helped me to an extent. And I’ll continue in these things. I just wish I had more patience, I guess. I mean, I am supposed to begin applying to colleges next month. But God will take care of it. He always does.
     Oh, Lord, please give me strength to continue in You and to see the line clearly.
     “Oh, I want to leave a legacy to be remembered.
     More than just a memory that fades away,
     Because we only, we only get one life.” -Sanctus Real

Never Give Up

     Oh, man, you’re so sore from that workout yesterday. And we need rest, right? Right. So, you can relax, forget about your projects for the day, and just chill. Oh, doesn’t that feel nice? But tomorrow, you’re going to dive right back into things.
     Tomorrow rolls around. Oh, and aren’t you still sore? And now you’ve caught a cold from exercising in the rain too much. Eh, one more day of relaxation won’t harm anyone, right?
     The next day is here. Ugh, you REALLY don’t feel like working. On anything! The cold’s on your nerves. Runny nose galore! But if it weren’t just your own, personal project, say it was a midterm paper that was due tomorrow, or taking your kid to a school play he’s in, you’d do that. But this? Who cares…
     Cold’s gone! Soreness has passed. But you’re just not in the mood to do anything that’s not mandatory. You have no motivation… And if it were truly important, you’d be motivated, right?
     This is how life, at least my life, tends to work. I’ll be on fire for something. Then, life gets in the way. I’m prone to illness, so for two and a half months, I suffered from sickness after sickness. I was also really stressed out; my class schedule was kind of nuts. I was so sick that once I missed an entire week of class, plus other miscellaneous days. It was the worst two and a half months of my life. I had to drop everything but school. My writing (both novels and, for the most part, this and another blog) was put on hold. I dropped everything but my schoolwork. After the first week of school, I stopped attending my youth group, another youth group I’d occasionally go to, church, and I stopped being able to volunteer at AWANA. I think I saw the doctor three times. The first time, on my birthday, they diagnosed me with anxiety disorder, drew my blood, and sent me on my way. My whole family, myself included, forgot it was my birthday until my dad remembered an hour after I woke up (one of the days I had to miss school). I think I lost somewhere between ten and fifteen pounds because it was so hard for me to eat on campus, and also sometimes at home. I hardly ever got enough sleep. I looked like death. I still managed to get a 4.0 in every class, except in one class with an impossible teacher, where I got a heinous 3.6. Yes, I’m an overachiever, but I also like to learn, and I think I only really learned in my Western religions class, because it was something I was passionate about, and more than interested in. But even in that class, I had to stop reading the textbook, losing a lot of information, so that I could focus more on things I was struggling with. Even when I focused on school, I had to eliminate some of it.
     Motivation and life. Satan could be affecting it. He sure wore me down during that time. In a ridiculously confusing way, he brought my life closer and further from God. At the same time!
     I’m human. And I’m not silly enough to say that I never struggle. We all do. But that’s when we grow the most. I’m always relied on God. Always. I mean, His shoulder should be bruised by how much I lean on Him! But those months? He let me know that it’s okay to be carried. It reminds me of that poem about footprints in the sand. He made me stronger through this. Maybe it sounds weak to you that I don’t rely on myself. It’s not weak, though. Placing your complete trust in something you cannot see, and handing over your life to Him, and then actually letting Him take control? It sounds scary, and kind of like you’re powerless. Like you’ve given up on yourself. I promise, you haven’t. In my first ever college class, my teacher had the class journal about certain topics. We had to write non-stop for fifteen minutes, I believe. The first time, I had no idea she was actually going to read them. When we had to hand them in, I wildly thought, Oh, no! What did I write?!? After that, though, I stopped caring that someone was going to read it. It’s a journal, and meant to be true. I just made sure not to be insulting, especially to her or the class. I remember getting one back once. She would always right notes on them.
     I have to say this: when I think about topics like, “Why are you going to college?” or, well, pretty much anything, I have a good habit of thinking as a Christian. My life is nothing without God, so that’s just how I express myself. I’m honest.
     Well, when I was writing, for some reason or other, about the future, and my plans, or some such thing, I couldn’t help but write about how I’m terribly uncertain, but it’s in God’s hands. Whatever He wants is what I’ll do. Now, my teacher, not being a Christian, wrote something along the lines of, “Why is in his decision? It’s your life. Why would God mind?” I didn’t realize how much she wouldn‘t understand. I mean, it doesn’t make me a wimp. And God gave me this life. I intend to live it for Him. Even if it means that He wants me to have a dozen children (kids and I don’t really see eye-to-eye…), I’ll do it. (And I didn’t say that I’d die for Him only because that is a much nicer path for me than having twelve kids. Yeah, they’re worse than death! For me, at least…)
     This teacher, she symbolizes a hindrance for some people. It’s hard for some people to cope with others laughing at them for their beliefs, or being told they’re being stupid. I remember having almost my entire class getting upset that I don’t support homosexuality during a pros and cons presentation I did with a couple classmates. I actually had one girl almost yelling at me. It was hard for me to keep calm, and actually stay focused enough to let the right words come out of my mouth.
     These obstacles we encounter are difficult, because, face it, if they’re obstacles, what else can they be? Easy? But we’re God’s spokespeople. What we do or say affects other people’s perceptions of Christianity. I’m hoping that my complete faith in God in my journals helped that teacher to see a bit clearer. And I’m also hoping that my standing up, and in a way I could be proud of, opened the hearts of my classmates.
Struggles like these can be used as opportunities to build yourself, and sometimes even others, in God. It’s a hard thing to overcome, but God only gives us what we can stand.
     I’d like to briefly go over motivation and obstacles in one more way: The lack of motivation. Just like the first story, I was NOT motivated. A couple days ago, I had friends over (HoboCon 2011!). Long story short, I ended up being really sore yesterday. It hurt to move, or even breathe. From about my sternum to an inch before my bellybutton, and two fists wide, ached, as though I’d done one million crunches. Today is no different. Even when I don’t move, I hurt. I’ve never been so incredibly sore in such an uncomfortable spot. I never realized how much I use my upper core until now. So, yesterday, not really being able to move about, I didn’t really even read. Not up to my usual par, at least. I still got through about five books. But I assumed it would pass. Now it’s the afternoon of today, and I hurt just as much. Oh, and now my back is starting to shock me. And I feel like I desperately need to sleep. Yeah, I’m not doing well… And, add to all of this my not being at all inspired or motivated to do anything of substance. Last night, right as I was going to sleep, I thought of a tragedy, and felt motivated, but only for a minute. Today, I began to start accomplishing a few things on my list, not really in the mood. Then…pop… A tiny bubble of motivation. Just ever so slight. So, I grabbed my things and prepared to hunker down on a couch (since my bed and desk are clearly off limits as they’re so comfortable and uncomfortable, respectively). My sister got upset; for days, or maybe even a week she’s been using it as a place to lay and watch videos, or play games on her iTouch. But, hey, I thought, what’s a couple hours? Quite a bit, apparently. When I asked her why she needed it, she said because of the iTouch. I asked her why I couldn’t use it for a few hours; at least I had a purpose, and couldn’t go anywhere else. She immediately fired back that I was being selfish. I only do things that benefit myself. You see irony in this, right? I told her that what she was doing wasn’t important, even to herself. But she kept yelling at me how I’m always just doing things that are for me.
     Do you know how many times I’ve tried to explain to my family what I’ve been doing? A little over a month ago, I changed. A lot. I quit bad habits and stopped wasting time. I’ve been focusing on studying for the SAT, finding out if I really need to take it to get into the college of my choice (I very well might not), reading the Bible, and Biblical studies, writing a novel to see if I can make a career out of it, or at least become published, reading novel-writing books, reading fiction to help my writing, exercising in small increments, and so on. Everything I do has a purpose, and sure, some most may be for my benefit, but I want to help others. How can I do that if I’m homeless, or if I can’t transfer to a college? How can I help others if I can’t build up my strengths, especially in God?
     It’s crucial that we keep persevering, no matter what’s thrown at us. For me, the hardest things are illness and having to battle my family’s opinions. And I’m struggling to get my Christian family, who brought me up like this, to understand.
     Isn’t it funny? I change for the better, and suddenly my family declares it’s not good enough, that I waste my time even more. Isn’t it funny that the more I try to help, the more anger is directed at me? I guess I expected that by stepping up, I’d at least be tolerable in my own family. I expected the world to be worse, but not this.
     Those who stand up and act according to their beliefs, and those who get closer to God are almost assuredly going to face harder and harder trials. This one for me, is horrible. My strongest support is gone. There is no encouragement. No praise.
     Persevere. Perseverance is a quality I’ve been building. I used to start projects, but never finish them. Not often. I still do, occasionally. But I’ve got to keep going. Think it’s easy to write a novel? Think about how many drafts I’m going to have to write of it. And think about how many times it will be rejected to be published. But it’s something I feel called toward. And so long as I feel that God’s supporting me, no matter how hard it gets, I plan on going for it. Will you?

     “If you ask my husband my best trait, he’ll smile and say, ‘She never gives up.’ But if you ask him my worst trait, he’ll get a funny tic in his cheek, narrow his eyes and hiss, ‘She. Never. Gives. Up.’” -Kathryn Stockett

Take Time to Rest

     I feel it’s important for me to talk about resting. It’s a good thing, you know. Sleeping is one way of doing that; can you imagine how insane you’d go if this life just kept on going without breaks of unconsciousness?
     But I’m not talking- er, writing- about sleeping. I mean recharging your batteries. Relaxing. Breathing.
     I found it impossible for me to take breaks. When I take breaks, they’re long. When I work, I get really into it. It’s not healthy. There has to be some sort of balance. Clearly, I’ve never gotten the hang of that. But I’m getting better.
     This is something I’ve ignored for most of my life. Can I tell you why? I found it pointless. I still do quite often. I’d rather be able to sleep two to four hours a night, and spend the rest working on my current projects. For one whole month, a couple years ago, I got by on five hours a night, and hardly ever felt the side effects. It was miraculous. But what did I do with that extra time? I wasted it. Epically. Sleeping is so important to feeling refreshed. Trust me; I’m an incredibly light sleeper, with many sleep issues, so I’ve been sleep deprived ever since I can remember. Even when I was four!
     Here’s something else I’ve never appreciated: Eating. I abhor it often. Actually, I only developed a liking for more than just a few foods in the last year or so. I’ve been told by a friend that I’m the most picky of picky eaters she knows. And that’s a current statement! But God made us to eat. It’s how we get energy. That and water. Luckily, it’s my favorite beverage, it being so tasty. I mean, if I had to, I would definitely say that my home’s well water defeats the most elegant of cheeses and crushes the richest of chocolates. Coming from me, a cheese and chocolate addict (especially together), that means a lot. But now I’ve gotten off track!
     Okay, so we all understood sleep, food, and water long before I even mentioned it, right? Right. So let’s move on to the next most predictable way of recharging ourselves: Exercise. I loathe it. I get sweaty and out of breath. Sure, I love soccer! But the practices? Eek! Don’t let anyone see me like that! Exercise, or my lack of it, is something I’ve never gotten away with under the scrutiny of my marathoner mother. Or of my one-time marathoner father (before he hurt his knee and can now only run half marathons). Psh, even my sister exercises more than me, even without her many soccer practices (she’s in a tougher league than I was). It’s official; I’m one of the laziest people out there. Luckily, my body is nice enough to me for it to maintain a steady, healthy weight without my own effort, but that’s only a blessing from God. Seriously. Look at me! Cheese, chocolate, little sleep, and little to no exercise. I should be the size of my family by now, times three! (Moving on…) But it’s not all about weight. No, it’s health, which is why I’ve lately begun a daily exercising habit. Do you see how much physical work Biblical people did? And do you see their AGES? But I would bet that they were seriously ripped, even the women, especially the ones who were well-fed. But we’ve gotten seriously lazy in the past few centuries. It’s not how we’re meant, as human beings, to live. And there are tons of benefits. But I’ve droned on far too long to list them all. Let me just close by saying that God created us to exercise, and it’s healthy. It recharges us.
     Great. So we’ve covered the basics. But I found it difficult to change my habits with those three things until I relaxed in a different way; I began to breathe.
     We live in a busy age. There’s no time to breathe, truly, creating an uncomfortable environment, especially for Christians. This business can make us forget our real purpose: to please God in all that we do. Sabbath (as far as I can tell by skimming through the internet), or Shabbat in Hebrew, where it was originated, means rest, or ceasing of work. Even God took the seventh day off to rest. When’s the last time you truly took off a full day to rest? I sure haven’t done that in what is probably since I was a child, or even a baby. Since Jesus liberated us from the law, we’re free from following the multitude of Jewish laws about how we’re to observe the Sabbath. Okay, but we should still rest and meditate on Him and His Word. I know it’s not usually possible to devote an entire day to this; it’s just not realistic. I wish it were. But as it stands, that day is meant to give us life! I always feel so much more… filled when I’m at church, youth group, or the Christian summer camp I go to. Camp in particular has this wonderful effect not just on me, but on almost every single person. It’s because we’ve been pulled out of the world into our own solely for the purpose to get to know and praise God. He’s our focus and delight. He alone makes me joyful.
     He lets me breathe.
     This is how I recharge, aside from going to a Christian gathering:
     I like to go outside, alone, sometimes listening to my iPod, sometimes not, just looking at what God created, marveling, and thinking.
     I like to journal my thoughts, my pure, unadulterated thoughts about what I feel God telling me. Trust me,  they don’t look like this blog.
     I blog on here, but that’s only usually after my moment with God.
     This one’s my favorite. I like to blast my music or have complete quiet in my room with the door closed, and I’ll lay on my bed, sit in the corner of my room, sit or lay in my closet, or stand in my closet, sometimes with the door shut, and just think. And pray. A lot. When I say think, I mean pray. It’s that much of a habit for me. I just love to talk with my God. I tell Him my secrets, my regrets, my sorrows, my happiness. It doesn’t matter. And He always hears you, you know. He may not respond when or how you expect, but He hears you and He has a plan. And He’s God! All-powerful, mighty God, our wonderful Creator. He’s the best kind of breath. When I began to read my Bible more, and study and pray more, and live for Him more, I began to breathe more often. These recharging moments I take almost once a day, if not more, sometimes for a few second, sometimes for an hour. Usually, I just focus for a few minutes, but it’s so worth it. And now I’m able to breathe again.
     I feel rejuvenated. And now I’ve been able to actually let myself relax in the other three ways. Who knew that all it took was a few minutes to just let everything else go, and hand it to God? Communication is key, even in a relationship like this. People get so caught up in their lives, even when it’s living as a Christian, they forget that their religion is much less a religion and much more a relationship. And that’s something that’s much more important to build up.

     “And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.” Genesis 2:2-3

Doing Hard Things For God

     Is something gnawing at your heart? Is your mind being pulled toward a path you’ve never traveled before? But are you also lost as to what your heart and mind want? Why must you go that way, you wonder. It’s like traveling without light; it feels foreign and wrong. But God doesn’t always let us stay in our comfort zone. He also doesn’t always tell us His plans.
     Guess what? That’s where I am right now. I’m headed for something. It feels like it’s coming at me fast, but I suppose I’m just not patient enough. I’m also not sure what this path is, yet I’m traveling on it! It sounds so ridiculous, and I doubt non-Christians, and even some Christians understand. Even those who do probably don’t perceive it as I do. Regardless, let me do my best at explaining it:
     God’s speaking so directly to me, it’s frustrating! I am so sure that God’s molding me to do something, be someone, and I’m not sure what the end result will be. I’m not even sure what it will require! Perhaps patients, eh?
     Still, He gave me a clear, proper warning, and I’ve taken heed of it. How so? Hmm, I wonder… Mayb-THOSE 20+ BOOKS, PERHAPS? Yeah, probably those, and the other things on my list of 44 things I’m meant to do daily (I’ve actually crossed off 10 things in the last few days. And I have a list of 18 books I’m going to read later.) See? Even without knowing what it is, I’m preparing. I’m not sure what it is, so I’m simultaneously reading the Bible, completing Bible studies and Christian studies, reading a couple self-help books (although, they’re not dull. One was especially fun to read! Although I’m done with it now…), doing higher level reading in fiction, learning guitar and keeping up with piano, as well as trying to write three books, two blogs, exercise, lead a healthier life, and clean. And… I find time to have fun?!? You betcha!
     Of course, some days, I don’t get much done. As it is, I don’t think I’ve ever once finished every single thing on my list. But that doesn’t matter. Each day, I feel compelled such-and-so books, but not this and that one. And that’s just fine. I’m putting in the effort where I deem it pertinent. Also, I’ve found that I get a lot more done either when it’s highly expected (like when I read a most of the books two mornings when I was at a friend’s house. Of course, we talked a lot, and watched a bit of TV, but by the time I left, I had finished much more than I usually would have at home, all because I had told him when I got there that I would be reading. [And it wasn’t a normal visit. I wasn’t being mean. It was more of because both of our families were gone until midday, and I hate being alone…]), or when it’s the afternoon or night. I have more drive, I’m better motivated, as well as more inspired. So that whole thing about work first and play later? While I fully believe it in most situations, such as studying for an exam, with my daily routine, it just doesn’t work! So in the morning and during midday, I take a lot of breaks. And it usually involves multitasking. When it’s not as important as studying God’s Word, why not? So, when I’m on the computer, I’m usually eating, or watching a Netflix DVD, or even both! Or I’ll watch a show while exercising or cleaning my room (where it’s usually helpful to use a computer, unless you live in the TV’s room, or have a TV in your room…). It helps with my not wasting time. Of course, it doesn’t always work. But this way, later in the day, I won’t feel like I’m wasting time by watching Netflix with my family, because I cleaned out a huge box in my closet while watching it, whereas otherwise I’d just feel as though I were wasting time by not doing something else as well.
     I know it sounds like a bunch or work, and some days it feels like that, but this is how I do things. I’ve become very time-conscious, which is something that my Mom’s been urging me to monitor. I hate wasting a minute. Still, I spend some breaks by actually taking a fully-fledged break. Some nights, after dinner, I’ll play badminton with my family.
     Let me tell you, it was TOUGH breaking all of my old habits and swapping them for what at first seemed irritatingly like a ton of hard work. And it was hard, at first. In my original list, I only had about ten things to do. It seemed impossible. But I quickly adjusted, and began adding more to my plate. The other day, I wanted to add about ten things! But I changed it to four, and crossed off a few books that I found unhelpful. It’s been about a month, now, and I’m shocked at what I’ve accomplished. Okay, so I’ve only finished three books I believe, but I’m close to finishing a lot more. And now I’m thinking about how sad it is that I didn’t start applying myself sooner. Hopefully, it will help me do better in college next year, among other things. It will pay off in the long run.
     It makes me wonder what most people, especially teenagers, could do if they focused more on applying themselves in things that will benefit them in the future. If more people decided to ignore our culture’s view of the youth, then I bet that there would be a huge change in teenager’s attitudes toward life.
My sister tells me constantly that I’m taking things too seriously. That I care too much about school, or where I’m going to apply for college. Is that really a bad thing? If I focus too much on it, yes, but caring about my present and future is something that I think more people, teenagers especially, should care about.
This brings me to what I believe is my final point: the world will always be against those who break the trend in the name of God. I don’t think anyone quite grasps what I’m doing or why. I try to explain, but no one seems to take me seriously because of my age. Even my family hasn’t been supportive. My mom acknowledges that I’m trying, but she also can’t understand how hard it is for me. She still thinks I waste time and energy on silly things, and I do a bit, but it’s being taken far out of context. I don’t think my dad even knows, despite the library I’m dragging around in two huge bags (on being a duffle bad, and the other, a beach bag). My sister flat out believes I’m wasting my time. And this is my family, my close, Christian family. Imagine the world!
     I can’t blame my family, though. It’s hard not to, because they’re always telling me to do a lot of other things, as though I have unlimited time since it’s summer, but I just can’t. The Bible tells us not to judge others. It’s something I’m working on, but it’s hard because my entire backbone of support is gone! And I need it. It helps to have a lot of support when your doing hard things, trust me. I get no praise or encouragement. I get quite the opposite at times. I do well as a goalie in soccer, or playing the piano, or in school, but those are only somewhat hard things for me. This, what I’m doing, has pushed me so hard that sometimes I want to give up, but I know I can’t. So I keep at it, without it ever being something that even my own family will tell me, “Good job,” about.
     That’s what it’s about. It’s about perseverance, despite it all. So long as God is for us, what else matters? I’m reminded of the five different kinds of hards listed in Do Hard Things:
1. We should strive to do hard things that are outside of our cozy comfort zone.
2. We should do more than what people expect or what is required (like doing extra cleaning).
3. We should do things too big to accomplish all by ourselves, like starting an organization, putting together a play, or even selling lemonade.
4. We should do our best to do things that don’t have an immediate payoff (like working out).
5. Lastly, we should do things that challenge our culture’s norm (like dressing moderately or resisting the temptation of watching that horrible film with friends).
     Oh, man, I’m doing all of those… Number five has almost always been a no brainer for me. I have no qualms about standing up for my unpopular beliefs. The others, however, are things I’ve struggled with. But I need help with writing a novel. I need feedback and well-meant criticism. Okay, so that’s number three. Almost every one of my projects fits under number four. It’s a hard one because I can’t help but think, “So what if I don’t exercise? It’s ONE DAY.” It’s probably the reason I procrastinate with things, like schoolwork. I’ve been working gradually on number one. I don’t leave the house all that often, but when I do, I try to do something that I normally wouldn’t. Also, whenever I add something to that monstrosity of a list, I’m making my comfort zone wider. I’ve tried to be more honest about who I am to people, including my family. And I’ve been driving more lately, which is something I loathe. Little changes to that comfort zone, and who knows how huge it could one day be? In regards to number two, I do that all the time. No one ever really notices, but I know, and it makes me happy (at least until I’m yelled at for not doing so-and-so, when I just did it times five). But most people don’t expect much from teenagers, even the ones who exceed expectations. I’m doing my best to push that boundary.
     I hope that you can appreciate my story. You probably don’t, or at least not much. I don’t care. I just hope you understand that God put us here to do His will, and not just at certain times. But if we do His will, we’ll always be opposed. Does that matter? God calls us to stand for Him and to do hard things… for HIM. And if God were saying this, I doubt you’d directly tell Him no. Yet we do it indirectly all of the time. We CAN make a difference. It just requires that we do things that push us to our limits, but never beyond. God only ever gives us what we can handle.
     “Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.”- Theodore I. Rubin
　

Writing a Novel

     It’s official. I’m setting out to write my first novel. Well, technically I’m setting out to finish a novel that is perhaps number fifty-one out of sixty-three ideas I’ve started writing or written down as an idea… I’ve never been quite so serious about one before. I’ve had some pretty good ideas before, and I have been a bit more excited, but honestly, this is probably one of the best plots I’ve ever had. Plus the characters… Whew, they blow me away!
     Okay, the above paragraph seems pretty out of place. It is, don’t worry. It’ll all make sense in time…
Not many teenagers get books published. Perhaps I’ll break the trend. Perhaps not. But finishing this project is something that I think God has put on my heart. It’s a pretty massive undertaking, and this wasn’t exactly screamed at me. There’s just been this small pull, and I’m going to keep praying that this is the right time, and that the right people are helping me. I’m praying a lot.
     I’m not sure that I truly knew what it meant to meditate on the words of the Bible. But I think it’s getting through. It’s hard to describe.
     I was never a false Christian, or anything. I always took my faith seriously. I loved God, and almost always remembered to lean on Him in the bad times. He’s helped me through a lot. Yet, even though I focused my life on being God’s servant, something never clicked. I’m not sure what it was. I don’t think I ever will. Everything still seems the same, but I know it’s not. It’s crazy. I was rarely lukewarm. Quite often, I was a searing-hot Christian!
     Maybe I’ve grown in my faith. Perhaps I’m closer in my relationship with God. I’m just… not sure.
Whatever it was that changed, though, I love it. For the first time in a long time, I’m not stressed about the future. I still think about it a lot, but I’m lacking the anxiety it caused. Perhaps I have grown by letting go of things like that.
     And do you know what those kind of things have been replaced with? This! These blog posts, all inspired by God. I’ve been kicked into hyper-drive and I’ve been studying God’s word, improving my mind and life, and I’m not feeling overwhelmed. Do you realize that I’m reading nineteen books, most of them daily? And that’s only about two thirds of what I’ve been doing! I’m invigorated. I feel renewed. Enough so to where God’s been asking more and more of me. I feel so blessed.
     Of course, I’m also terrified. Why would God choose me? It’s kind of insane when I look at the big picture of a few of the things. But guess what? In doubting ourselves, we doubt God, and I know that God can conquer anything!
     Remember last time? Yeah, I still don’t know what God wants me to do in that respect. I’m fairly sure it’s not this novel. No, I think it falls much closer to shining God’s light directly, but He’ll let me know when He’s ready.
     I just want to encourage anyone reading this to do what God’s calling them to do, whether it’s big or small. He has His reasons. And it usually takes a lot of guts. I mean, I’ve changed my entire daily routine (a very comfortable one) in order to get my life in order! But I felt that pull and I acted. I just hope everyone else will as well.
     “The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.” ~Sarah Ban Breathnach

That Nagging Feeling

     I think I’m going to scream. Yep. But I won’t because my voice has been weak for a couple months… Oh, I need to do something!
     You know what’s worse? This isn’t something that will pass. It’s not like when I’m mad at someone, or when my stomach shouts at me that it needs food. (Stomach- “Girgle, whiiiiiine! Grr.” Me- “I just fed you half an hour ago, you endless pit!” Stomach- “Said the liar.”)
     Okay. It’ll pass eventually. But let me tell you, that moment can’t come too soon! Do you want to know why, oh, reader? Let me tell you.
     Some time earlier today, I would probably say before noon, I got this weird feeling in me. I was enveloped by the foreignness. Mid afternoon, most likely around 4pm, I understood the basics of the feeling. Finally, I thought. Wait, that’s it? God, You’re telling me to do something. Normal, but extraordinary. But what? I’ve had a nagging feeling ever since. You know what’s funny? In a personal Bible study I was doing, I wrote a note to myself about how in Galatians, Paul acted immediately on what God told him, without even consulting the apostles or anyone! So he traveled off to somewhere and etcetera. He acted upon his instinct. He didn’t ask for input or wait to make sure. He knew what he knew so he acted. No hesitation.
     Knowing what I know, being me, plus, on top of it all, having relatable scripture right on hand has caused there to be a terrible, nagging feeling in my whole self. And you know what? This isn’t my being impatience. It’s not. I know what it feels like to be impatient. This… is different.
     Oh, wow. You know what? I can’t believe I never saw this sooner! Okay, in the book I’m reading, Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris (Did I already mention them? I can’t remember…), they wrote about what I am. Changing our teenage role. Then they became “guinea pigs for [their] own ideas.” The were invited to apply for, and then got internships at the Alabama Supreme Court. I doubt that I’m going to do something quite so big (although I can’t say it’s impossible, because that would be doubting God), I know it’s still important… whatever it is.
     Okay. It’s time to spend some time in prayer, in my Bible, and in the multitude if Christian books scattered around me. Yup.

     “But when God, who set me apart from my mother’s womb and called me by his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son in me so that I might preach him among the Gentiles, my immediate response was not to consult any human being. I did not go up to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before I was, but I went into Arabia. Later I returned to Damascus.” Galatians 1:15-17

Expectations (Joe on Joe)

     I’m above average.
     Boast much?
     I’m below average, too, Joe!
     Really? Because we’re pretty awesome.
     Now who’s boasting?
     What’s the point of this?
     The point is that I’m naturally above average. But compared to myself, I’m kind of a slacker…
     Gasp! What?!?
     Yeah. I mean, come on, Joe. We put the pro in procrastinate.
     I’m going to reply to that insult! Tomorrow…
     Exactly. I’m not living up to my potential, and by relation, neither are you.
     What do you mean?
     God blessed me with a good memory for words. Like verses and quotes. But it took until this summer at camp before I realized this gift. And I only realized because saying those verses earned me points. After saying probably the seventh of fifteen verses did it finally feel fun and exciting.
     ‘Kay…
     You still don’t get it! My laziness delayed my spiritual and mental growth! And here’s the thing; before this summer, I was still above average in comparison to most people my age. My maturity level and my grades are much higher than my peers.
     So then we get a break. Psh, if we’re already-
     No! The problem is that we’re not even stretching ourselves! And do you know what the problem is? Low expectations. In the words of an education expert, “Our current ceiling for students is really much closer to where the floor ought to be.”
     I don’t-
     Just let me talk. Expectations have fallen. You know what’s funny? I was called an “overachiever” for asking for extra verses, never mind saying them! I know that I am, but even so, my effort is severely lacking. THAT is the problem, my dear Joe.
     I think I’m getting it…
     Good.
     So what are you proposing?
     I am convinced that teenagers should revolt! Doesn’t it make you mad?
     You know it! Let’s grab the pitchforks!
     No! Not that kind of revolt! I mean by changing ourselves, and then those around us. There ARE young people out there who are tired of getting by easily, you know. Most of teenagers out there aren’t giving their all. I mean, look at me! I didn’t put much effort into any of my classes last quarter except my final for geography. And even with that, I only studied for for a few days. And do you know how that all turned out? I ended up with a GPA of 3.88. Yeah. Imagine if I had put in some true effort?!? Like, you know, actually reading my philosophy textbook. And that literature class I got a 4.0 in? We both know that professor’s standards were too low. I hardly learned a thing!
     Okay. But in the past few weeks you’ve dragged me through that insane reading/writing/fitness/personal growth program you created. That’s gotta count for something, eh?
     Sure it does! God convicted me that I was wasting my time, even if it wasn’t wasted like many teenagers’ lives are. That’s why I started it. And guess what? It’s working. I’ve given up some horrible habits and replaced them with good ones. I’m striving to be more than a bit below my personal average. I’m hoping to be above my average!
     Okay… But back to the revolt thing. It sounded fun.
     …
     …Joe?
     I’m not so sure about that. First of all, these things will be hard. Going above and beyond isn’t easy, you know. And secondly, you have to make sure to be balanced. It’s not good to replace one idol with another you know. To God, it’s all the same, even if you replace video games for education. To attain balance, you have to make sure that God is your focus. And HE is your focus. I’ve seen people get swept up with being a Christian. They spend all of their time on being good and doing good, but none is ever spent with God.
     Okay. So I’ve got to make God my one and only?
     No! I mean, yes. But God means for us to be His servants. How are we to do that without living our lives? No. Here’s the verse you need. Colossians 3:17 “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” See? No matter what it is we’re doing, we should do it for God.
     Cool. So, I strengthen my faith and do… things…
     Yeah. This is where things get tough. See, when we do anything to get stronger as Christians, Satan makes sure to attack.
     Yikes! He’s scary!
He is. And he’s powerful. And you know what’s bad? A lot of times, we’re our own worst enemy. We’re a powerful weapon against ourselves! My temper, my quick addictions, my mind. Even if you’re not the weapon, rest assured that you will be tempted or attacked in one way or another. You may even be persecuted for your beliefs.
     So… Not so fun…
     No. But think about this; life is very temporary; heaven is forever. I’m going to have to live with my sins. I’m also going to have to live with my lack of action. However, earth is only a house to prepare us for our home, heaven. I’d rather go knowing that I did all I could and was all I could be. Let me condense it all to fit together:
     Teenagers are expected to adhere to a low standard. Even high expectations are low. The youth of the world is expected to use their teenage years as a time to have fun and party. So that’s what they tend to do. There are, however, young people who want more out of their years, but either don’t react to that feeling, or aren’t sure how to. The teenagers who operate on an above-average standard are praised, even if they’re lazy (like us). If we young’uns were to have a higher standard, no doubt we would rise to that low standard. The problem is the world, and let’s face it; it’s not going to magically change. So what do we do? Do we do anything?
     I’m thinking you’re gonna say-
     Yes!
     Knew it.
     But we can’t just get up and set out to change everyone else when we, ourselves, are still needing a new coat of paint. Once we renew ourselves, though, we can start doing bigger things. But I’ve got to warn you, I’ve changed a lot of my life since choosing to change. It won’t be the same. You won’t be the same. You’ll be better, and that’s certain, but like I said, we all need to prepare for battle. Being a Christian, especially one who has set out to do big things, or even small things, will mean facing challenges.
     Greeeeeat…
     I think this is important to remember this; everything we do to further ourselves counts. Most will be difficult and strenuous. But don’t be discouraged if those things are small, not big. It all helps in building a strong character that God would be proud of.
     Like keeping our room clean or brushing out the cat?
     Exactly like that! Now, are you ready for this?!?
     …Gulp…


     “Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?

     Today, I was laying in bed with my computer, wasting my time. That’s when I heard it; “This is your life. Are you who you want to be?” (It’s lyrics to a Switchfoot song.) I began contemplating. It took me all of two seconds to answer, “No.” So, for the next hour and a half, I thought about it on and off as I ate dinner and watched a bit of TV.
     In a nutshell, my dad would not listen to my very simple (and kind) advise, creating an argument. I went to my room to calm down. As I listened to music (Switchfoot, again), I realized that my life is in shambles. It is quite easily a whole lot better than it has been since I was about eleven, but it still is quite awful. Do you know how many times I have told myself that my life was fine; I was fine? I kept lying to myself. I kept telling myself that things would undoubtedly get better. Do you know how hard it is to keep lying to yourself? I did that for at least six years. SIX YEARS. 
     I’m so tired of it.
     Guess what? Nothing in life is guaranteed. So, when things get bad, I would tell myself that eventually, things would get better. That I would feel better.
     That never really happened.
     My life changed. Things got both better and worse. And today, in my room, I was just overcome with regret and confusion. Suddenly, I realized that no matter how many times I had tried to give everything to Jesus, I never quite did. I still think back to when I was five and lament doing things! And it’s not only living with past sins, it’s living with all the worries about my present and future. I’m seventeen and in the fall, I should really start applying for colleges. I still have only smidgeons of ideas of what I might like to do! (Please don’t tell me that I’m still young. I know that all too well. Because I’ve been in an accelerated college program, I won’t have those wonderful first two or so years to fulfill requirement classes. I kind of have to choose soon.)
     Today, I gave God everything. I gave Him my regrets and my worries. I also gave Him all of those lies. I’m feeling a bit better. I know it sounds pessimistic, but now I understand that my life isn’t guaranteed to get better. For all I know, this is the best it will ever be. But I don’t need happiness. All I need is Jesus.
     “No soul can be really at rest until it has given up all dependence on everything else and has been forced to depend on the Lord alone. As long as our expectation is from other things, nothing but disappointment awaits us. Feelings may change, and will change with our changing circumstances; doctrines and dogmas may be upset; Christian work may come to naught; prayers may seem to lose their fervency; promises may seem to fail; everything that we have believed in or depended upon may seem to be swept away, and only God is left, just God, the bare God, if I may be allowed the expression; simply and only God.” -Hannah Whitall Smith

Changing Focus

     I feel like I have rarely hit the mark with this blog. I began this blog because when I was writing on the other, co-written one, The Merry Adventures of Three Bewhiskered Desperadoes, I felt like I already had too much to say without adding a whole new genre to the mix.
     Let me tell you this: It is tough writing about deep things from the heart, all the while trying not to sound confusing. I usually end up confusing myself! It’s easy to understand, but hard to explain, and for that I apologize. Please, criticize me! Without that, I’ll never get better.
     The focus of this has been on anything related to God. And that’s great! But I want to focus more on what I can do. What we all can do as Christians.
     You know that we’re at war, right? It’s a spiritual war, and it’s all around us. I’m becoming more aware of this every day. Because of this, I’m trying to strengthen myself in God. I’ve created this list, and there’s a point system… The gist of it is that I’m spending a lot more time reading the Bible, Christian concepts, and self-help books. The latter sounds funny coming from a seventeen-year-old, doesn’t it? Actually, this leads me to my final… thing (there I go again, lacking language). I’m reading a book called, Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. I’ve read it twice before. Clearly, I would recommend it. It’s about actually making a difference by doing what seems difficult. Oh, and did I mention that it’s written by teens for teens, and that it’s Christian? Achieving big things for God… It’s a good read. It has been a goal of mine ever since I read the first chapter two or three years ago. As time progressed, it has gotten pretty clear as to what God wants from me. Maybe not in a very practical way, as in, “I want you to be a missionary in Brazil,” or anything like that. Nope. So, maybe the book won’t help me in that sense, but it’s helping me find a way to get through what God is telling me, as is all of what I’m doing.
     I am a Rebelutionary. The Rebelution is the teenage rebellion against low expectations. It’s what I’m going to try to change the focus of the blog to. And really, why do we adhere to this world’s definition of us? Why don’t we get up and do something? Make a change? It all starts with ourselves.
     "Enemy occupied territory- that is what this world is." -C.S. Lewis

God in Troubled Times

     The following story is long and dull, but it leads to a pretty grand finale. Please bare with me.
     For this past week, I have been at a Christian camp. It ended midday Friday. On Wednesday night, the worship music was especially loud. My right ear was directly in the line of one of the speakers. It was merely two or three seats in front of me. Probably in the middle of the second song, my right ear began to throb. I assumed the music was just a tad too loud for me. No one else seemed distracted. Suddenly, my entire right ear, inside and out, felt bruised and swollen as it throbbed and I even thought it might be bleeding. I turned so that it didn't face the speakers anymore, but it didn't matter. The damage was done. I cupped my ear, and kept my fingers tightly over it for the remainder of the worship. In the talk that followed, my ear kept paining me, but less than it had during the music. I just prayed for relief from the sharp stabs of pain so that I could focus on the message.
     The next morning came. My ear still hurt quite a bit. I found out that the water all over camp was out. We had to use porto-potties. I'm a very paranoid person. I have many fears and phobias. Many of them are rational; others are not. Porto-potties are more terrifying to me than, oh, I don't know, getting killed in a freak accident. (Okay, that may be a stretch, but not by much.) So, that morning, I bravely walked up to it, took a deep breath, and walked in. I came out gasping for air. I was almost in tears. I'm not an emotional person. I hardly even cry when I'm alone. Basically, I hate those makeshift toilets like I hate the most horrifying nightmare I've ever had.
     My mornings are always rough. My stomach was nauseous every single morning, so I always ate between half an hour or an hour later, meaning that I never got a full meal as the food was only whatever snacks I had brought to camp. In addition to that, I have horrible reactions to pollen, especially this year. My medicine hardly helped me. It can make it hard for me to breath, it can make me nauseous, give me a runny nose and watery eyes, among other things. So, between my allergies, stomach, ear, and the water, I was having a pretty heinous morning.
     Somehow, I made it through breakfast, worship, and the morning talk. After that, I went to play games with my wonderful team. I didn't know anyone particularly well on my team, but they always lifted my spirits. I found it easier to ignore my ear with them. By the time we were walking to our last game of the day, and of camp, their cheerful, friendly personalities were no match for the nails being hammered into my ear. I've never had any real pain in my ears, so I wasn't sure if it was serious. So I asked my team leader, who sent me to a woman who sent me to another woman who sent me to the nurse. I guess ear problems are rarer so she didn't have anything for me but an ice pack, which seemed to slow down the stabbing.
     During lunch, my ear hurt to much for me to have an appetite. To have something to do, I said two verses, and memorized seven more, five of which I said as well (The camp gives out five verses to memorize, and I said them all on the first full day. Maybe it's the overachiever in me, but I got bored and asked for more. Not only do they get your team points, but, well, it's fun and fulfilling to memorize the Bible!).
     A couple hours later, I got another icepack, and another woman looked at my ear and told me I had symptoms of an ear infection. What?!? An ear infection?!? I'd never had one before! In retrospect, the earplugs I wore at night to block out the chatter of my friends (This human needs sleep. Who knew?) always and only hurt my right ear all week long. The music probably just accelerated things.
     In my free time, I sat on my bed and tried to eat. I couldn't. I was tired and getting a wee bit dizzy. I've never cried before at camp, which I guess is a pretty big, unemotional achievement. It was not a typical year, but the pain in my ear took me over the edge. I broke down and bawled in short intervals. I knew I needed to leave an entire day early, but I didn't want to. The last night always has the best talk, the guys sing to the girls, and the girls usually sing back, and baptisms happen the following morning. Plus, you know, they give out prizes to all of the teams and stuff... But I was mostly sad about missing the talk. Someone said that they wait a whole year just for a Thursday night. So do I.
By 4pm, I had left the camp. I only got to say a proper goodbye to one person. By dinner that night, I had medicine for my ear. I was able to eat. I still felt horrible. I have hardly ever been so sad as I was then.
     My cat greeted me warmly, and hardly left my side all night, making me feel better. I got to see how much our little duck, Gaston, towered over our older duck, Belle. I saw Belle fly! Ducks sure do fly funny. But my mind stayed on what I was missing.
     When I went to bed, I grabbed my Bible. I desperately needed it. Throughout the week, many of the verses I had memorized came from Psalm. I was going to flip to that book, and red a few chapters. You know how in Doctor Who with the Weeping Angels if you blink, you're either dead or sent back into the past? I blinked. The word, "Deuteronomy," flashed across my eyelids. I kind of shrugged to myself, and instead of going to Psalm, I opened my Bible to what I thought would be midway between it and Deuteronomy. I always forget how large the first few books are! My pages slid open to Deuteronomy 8. My Bible has it titled, "Do Not Forget the Lord." I cried and prayed as I read:
     1 Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land the LORD promised on oath to your ancestors. 2 Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. 3 He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. 4 Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. 5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.
     6 Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in obedience to him and revering him. 7 For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills; 8 a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; 9 a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.
     10 When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. 11 Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. 12 Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, 13 and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, 14 then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. 15 He led you through the vast and dreadful wilderness, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. 16 He gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never known, to humble and test you so that in the end it might go well with you. 17 You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." 18 But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.
     19 If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed. 20 Like the nations the LORD destroyed before you, so you will be destroyed for not obeying the LORD your God.
     I needed so badly to read this. I realized that I needed to be more dependant on God. When I struggle, I pray, but sometimes I think I forget just how powerful God is. He is so powerful, and this is really nothing in comparison to His true power, that on Tuesday morning, when I was so exhausted that I could barely keep my eyes open, when I prayed for focus so that I could actually understand the talk that morning, I felt something swish through me, and when I opened my eyes, I was wide awake, and remained so until later that night. It was probably just a ton of adrenaline, but it still was an amazing moment. I also remembered that Christians can't be strong without being tested. For most of the people at that camp, they said that they can feel their lives getting harder because they're being spiritually attacked. For me, though, I struggle at camp. Sure, it's easier not to sin, but I think that because of that, I forget to lean on God like I should. Mostly, though, I feel attacked in a different way. I get distracted. It's a really easy thing for me to do. When my health is attacked, it's harder for me to face than sin! I get miserable and forget that I represent my God. I act rudely. I'm not a terribly nice person by nature, which is something that I'm working on, and this just makes it worse. I have to be stronger, through the Holy Spirit.
     When I feel closest to God and can feel Him speaking to me, I am always certain of the message. For probably a year now, the same message keeps getting to me. I usually end up crying. God's sculpting me to be strong and dependant on Him. He's helping me to learn and grow in Him because one day, I'll need everything I can get because the worst battle (and I am confident that it will be a bad one) is yet to come. Once, what I was reading, the music I was listening to, the book I was reading, and the thought I unwillingly thought all told me the same thing. Of course, it wasn't vague like it seems, but some things are too personal to share, even in writing. The point of this is that when I read this, and felt connected to God, the promise wasn't a struggle. It was a promise of something good. If we deal with testing well, we'll end up stronger in the end. I know that I still have a pretty big battle to fight yet, but this promise of something good? It drives me as well, and gives me something to look forward to. I love God and the mysterious ways he communicates with us. Just think: if I didn't come home when I did, I would never have read that chapter. I'm still sad, but I'm finding it hard to regret when God communicated to me more in that chapter than He did all week!

Five Worlds

          I live in about five different worlds. I have, of course, summed them all up into five, as it would be too difficult to explain all of the overlapping worlds, sub-worlds, and etcetera. I dearly hope that they are clearly understood.

          World 1. AKA: The World of Reality. It involves, but is not limited to: school, family, friends, world events, and my interactions with them.

          World 2. AKA: The World of Sin. We all have some sort of moral code we try to uphold. However, when we somehow end up there, you feel almost like a new person! It is quite frightening when you rise back up to the World of Reality. You realize how easy it is to descend so low, that you can barely remember where you came from. For a short while, every now and then, this dastardly world comes and invades my being. It is a terrible place to be.

          World 3. AKA: The World of my God. I am a very devoted Christian. I believe this world applies to everyone. In a way, we all practice some form of religion. Have you ever been suddenly hit with some sort of life-changing thought? Is there a temple in your head you can retreat to in the darkest of times? It is the opposite of the World of Sin. Wherever your moral code comes from, that is your World 3. When this world hits me, it is like awakening from a dream. Suddenly, I will be startled by a new idea, understand a Bible verse, or realize why I am friends with someone.  Call this world what you may, it is the core of all of us.

          World 4. AKA: The World of Fiction. It can involve many different mediums, but I am particularly speaking of the written word. It seems silly to explain the obvious, so I will sum this up quickly. There is usually a connection between the words and the reader that puts the reader straight into the story. I have been told that when I read, the expression of the characters appear on my face. In addition to reading, I am a dedicated writer. When I write, I tend to forget where I am and that these people are not real. Occasionally, I will get sad over my characters’ misfortunes, and sometimes I even get upset (usually at the author) before I realize that I put them there in the first place and that I control the entire story. Funnily enough, I have never believed that I have full control. I am so involved in this world, that I have decided that if Jane does not want to be kind to the just-shot Greg, her only ally, that I cannot make her. When writing, I think, “What would Jane do?” and never, “What will Jane do?”

          World 5. AKA: The World of Me. Your most inner secrets are revealed to all civilians in this world! Luckily, you can be a recluse, a hermit here. I do not like myself and I have plenty of reasons. I live in this world from time to time. Who can argue against that?  Me is a reason I never wish to reproduce. It is why I stopped wishing for a twin. Me is fed by the other four worlds. This particularly odd planet in turn fuels the others. It is a horrible, amazing, insane place. The World of Me is a place I never want to visit as someone else. Each individuals’ Me would probably drive all tourists mad.

          “If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.” -Richard Bach

          “I’ll be a story in your head. That’s okay. We’re all stories in the end.” –The Doctor (From the television series, Doctor Who)

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things!

          Favorites. In reality, favorites actually do tell a lot about a person, but only if you ask the right questions. What’s your favorite color? Like that actually matters! (Okay, so it does sometimes, but only if you ask why, and I’m not talking about the why, just the answer.) I was just thinking about favorite Bible verses and books. My mom was talking to me about having a go-to Bible verse for when my anxiety kicks in. I have one. It’s helped me out for years, and with a large variety of problems. Psalm 48:14 “For this God is our God for ever and ever; He will be our guide even to the end.” Ever since I found it I’ve been on the lookout for anything I like better. I don’t think anything will ever beat that.

          I know it’s probably not good to prefer one part of the Bible to the other because it’s all important. I do know, however, that John 3:16 should not be my focus anymore because I am a Christian. I should know it well, but it does me no good to meditate upon it. I will not grow. Okay, I’m going off topic by trying to define something. I must truly have a gift for irrelevancy.

          Back to the topic! My favorite book of the Bible at this point in time is Revelation. I love reading prophesies, mostly the ones that have yet to come. Revelation is packed with that. Other books include a lot of prophesy as well, but they aren’t the ones taught in Sunday school to little children, nor are they the ones I have read in full, yet. So, does that tell you even a bit about me? Oh, yeah. It should.

          Let’s do my favorite quote. “"It is weak and silly to say you cannot bear what it is your fate to be required to bear." That is from Jane Eyre. Of course, this just reminds me that God won’t give me anything that’s more than I can take. There’s a Bible verse about that. But this quote sums of my life philosophy: If God hands it to me, I’ll finish the job. How’s that for insight from a favorite?

          Okay, I really have no idea where I plan on going with this, and I have a six more pages of a paper to write tonight, and I have at most two hours. So, I guess that I’m just saying not to laugh when someone asks for your favorite something-or-other, or when they give that information to you. It could be more insightful than it seems at the time. Then again, it could be as meaningless as a favorite ice cream flavor. Of course, if you give me something that’s not green and green was an option, you had better cower in fear. J

          “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?” -Elf

Age and Maturity

          I simply abhor change. Actually, that is not exactly true. I do not at all like the stages in life that are inherently filled with change. Teenage years are notorious for this. It is a time where the pre-adult is supposed to be looking for themself. I understand that you mature and realize who you are isn’t as great as you used to think, but that doesn’t mean you have to try on a large amount of selves before deciding on the best fit! So, I may have fallen prey to this. However, I never compromised my values. I never created a self my parents would disapprove of. I only created one or two, and all I did was make my outfits a bit more eccentric. Yes. My versions of self only changed my clothing style. I never changed who I already was. I guess most people don’t tend to know who they are, mostly in their youth. I knew who I was, though. I may have not always appreciated it. Hey, I even resented it a little! But never did I change what truly made me me. As it is, I am still in those horrid “teenage” years. People expect so little of me. People expect me to morph into an adult, but I really don’t understand. I’ve never understood. Being an “adult” (I’m still in the mindset of my last post, sorry…) entails things that I believe I have been qualified to do since I was fourteen, and other things I doubt I could ever handle in a true adult manner.

          My friend, Bebo (the Hobo, yes) is a wonderful example of terrible change. Bebo doesn’t believe he is qualified to vote, no matter what it age is given on his license. I, in a great contrast, have felt ready since I was fourteen. Authority, no matter what the law says, does not come at an age, but at a proper mindset. I do know, however, that I would never trust the country in the hands of fourteen-year-olds! I just think that the season of change is too sudden, and too dependent on age. In this day and age, what is expected of “teenagers” is far too low, and the change that must take place in far too little an amount of time in those who could practically be deemed young children is a great fault of society. Mustn’t it be stopped? Will it be stopped?

          I was once advised when I took a survey of classmates on campus that I should avoid asking the younger people, like myself. I was told that they don’t know what they want. Of course, I ignored this and asked random selections, as to do otherwise would be a highly biased act. What I found backed the opinion. My questions seemed simple enough. I could answer in a heartbeat. Yet, the younger the person, the less readily words came from their mouths!

          How much I am saddened by how little my opinion is valued! I know what I believe and I know who I am. I am smart enough to not be wishy-washy in what I say is true or right. Is that not enough? The stereotype of who I am is not who I am, even if it is a general truth.

          I guess this leaves me at a loss.

          “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.” -1 Timothy 4:12