I never knew why I was so drawn to death; though, death on its own is not grandeur. The tragic demise of a hero, the brutal killing of the ones who take a stand… It pulls me in, like a flower to a bee. Yesterday, while reading, I realized why it is so alluring to me. It is not that I am morbid. No. But I am a Christian. So for me, the best thing in the world is the story of a man who gave his life to offer salvation to everyone else. (And, of course, three days later he rose from the grave.)
While it is horrible, the case of the martyr is very special. And it affects me deeply. I think it makes me connect better with God. Certainly people will die over very silly things, but let’s not dwell on that.
(Spoilers from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallow in the next paragraph.)
One of my favorite fictional characters is Severus Snape. I know, I know, witchcraft and all that. But put it all aside. Okay, so he still would not quite fit the bill of a martyr. But he’s pretty close. He grew up abused. He turned into a horrible person, joined the wrong side, and so on. Then the woman he loves is killed, and in remorse, spies on the evil side. He turns good. But he’s always hates by his own side, he’s always alone, and then, without knowing his betrayal to them, the evil side kills him. And it makes me want to cry. He was only loved by his mother, his childhood friend, and his mentor. They were all dead when he died. No one ever knew him until he was gone. It’s terribly tragic. His whole life was consumed by a war. And in his last moments, he helped the good side to conquer.
I have been writing a story lately. It is about a war and a girl who has to grow up much too soon to help their army win. It is filled with tragic, seemingly preventable deaths. If it were any other way, it would not be something that I can cherish.
The whole idea about giving up your life for God, for a cause, for the most important reason possible is largely romantic, and seems silly. But it’s not silly. I mean, those movies where the guy and girl don’t get together and everything seems to fall apart? That’s silly. So much worse things can happen.
I won’t be sure, probably for a while, but I don’t think I’m supposed to really live like most people do. Not everyone gets married and has 2.5 kids, you know. And honestly, pretty much once I hit junior high, I stopped thinking about marriage and becoming a parent, and whatever else. I’ve hardly ever even thought about “liking” someone since then. And the times I do are insanely brief (think of five minutes as being the maximum). I’m pretty sure that if I weren’t so heinously paranoid, I could live pretty well as a hermit. I’d be the happiest hermit you would ever met. Alas! God does not want us to keep everything to ourselves. As much as I loathe this world, I know I’m meant to be a part of it to bring the Light to others. But I don’t really feel a pull toward marriage and the whole shebang. I think I’m meant to be a Severus Snape. And if God wants that for me, then who am I to say no?
I know a girl who has no career ambitions to speak of, and who doesn’t really show an interest in college. It’s as if she thinks she’ll marry out of high school (and she’s not dating anyone to speak of). What she wants most of all is to volunteer at a church and raise a family. Maybe that’s her future. Perhaps that’s what God’s telling her. But I just can’t imagine being a housewife, or a mother.
Some people do have to give up a lot of what their life could have been. I’m willing. I don’t know if it’s in God’s designs, but He’ll let me know one day. But society, Christian society, doesn’t tend to address that some people will be paying a bigger sacrifice for God, such as a spouse, having a cozy job, or sometimes even their life. I’m praying that people listen closely to God when he tells them if what looks like the reasonable choice is the correct choice. It probably is, but you never know. I tell my parents to expect grandchildren from my younger sister before me because it doesn’t seem like it will be in my future, at least my near future. But God’s plans are stronger than my own, and you never know…
"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage." -Seneca
"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Legacy
Why must everything be profound? Even little things are massive in the grand scheme of things. I’ve read quite a few books of poor quality, or ones that did quite the opposite of satisfying me. Had I given up on them early on, how many hours, how many days of my life would I get back? Little things add up…
It’s tiring. I can’t reverse how I see things. I regret so much because of it. But I also know that right now, this very second even, I’m doing things I won’t regret. I won’t ever regret writing this blog. It’s too important. I don’t care that hardly anyone reads it; the few who do are a good enough reward.
My time is so valuable now. Every little break I savor; every time I work on my projects, I glow. It irritates my family that I’m so conscientious of time. I think it’s a grand thing.
I mean, what if I were to die tomorrow? It’s a morbid thought, perhaps, but it’s also motivational. It’s cliché, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important. I want to stand before God knowing that I made the most of this life. How can I do that if I waste away my time?
I’m not sure how I got to this topic. I didn’t mean to talk about anything so deeply important. But it’s related, I suppose, to this post’s original purpose. Forgive my confused mind.
Throughout this summer, I’ve had a list of daily things to accomplish. Every week, I made a new copy. At the end of each day, I’d count up the points. One week, I ran out of room on the double-sided, single spaced notebook paper, and had to just add a “Miscellaneous” category. Since then, I’ve added more and taken others off. It’s shrunk so that I can focus on reading more than a chapter in each book a day, or write more, or so on. And now the list has been greatly narrowed. But how do I choose what to cross off and what to add? How do we as Christians do this? How do we decide what’s important and what to throw away?
A year ago, I began this terribly bewildering, difficult, and at times, painful quest. I was starting college, so the summer before I gave up some habits. This is embarrassing: as a homschooler, I had a lot of extra time, and almost unlimited access to the computer. After joining Facebook, I found out my mom played this game called Farmville. Ever heard of it? I started playing it as well. That was the time when at least a quarter of my friends were playing, if not more. Then I found other games. Then more. You know what’s sad? I could strategize my way through these games so well, it was not uncommon for me to be the top player among my friends. I was astonished by how much more time I had when I quit all of those things. When school started, I hardly had any time to do any writing for fun. All those notebooks in a giant box in my room sat idle for months at a time. That was truly excruciating for me.
But where’s the line? What’s okay to cut, healthy even, like Farmville, and what’s hurtful? School took over my life. It gave me anxiety, made me sick, and made it so I stopped attending church and youth group, and stopped volunteering at AWANA. But I was still getting great grades. At the time, that’s what mattered. And now I have to face yet another miserable year of that in a month.
When God told Noah to build the ark, there was no question about priorities. But not everything is so clear as that. Whenever I’m around something that has to do with psychology, I can’t stop myself from listening. When I learn ASL (American Sign Language), something just clicks. And when I’m reading or writing, I feel positively giddy. So, I’ve got the drive. But which should I devote my time to? Which job area should I pursue? Because everything I do is significant, I can’t imagine making the wrong choice.
So how do we do it? Where’s the line? What’s healthy and what’s hurtful? While the line is getting clearer in some instances, like which books I should focus on, it gets blurry in others, like whether I should focus most of my time writing a novel I hope to publish (after quite a bit of editing, of course).
Prayer. Reading the Bible. Talking with those we look to for Biblical wisdom. I’ve heard it all. I’ve tried it all. I’m not saying that these aren’t helpful; far from it! They’ve all helped me to an extent. And I’ll continue in these things. I just wish I had more patience, I guess. I mean, I am supposed to begin applying to colleges next month. But God will take care of it. He always does.
Oh, Lord, please give me strength to continue in You and to see the line clearly.
“Oh, I want to leave a legacy to be remembered.
More than just a memory that fades away,
Because we only, we only get one life.” -Sanctus Real
It’s tiring. I can’t reverse how I see things. I regret so much because of it. But I also know that right now, this very second even, I’m doing things I won’t regret. I won’t ever regret writing this blog. It’s too important. I don’t care that hardly anyone reads it; the few who do are a good enough reward.
My time is so valuable now. Every little break I savor; every time I work on my projects, I glow. It irritates my family that I’m so conscientious of time. I think it’s a grand thing.
I mean, what if I were to die tomorrow? It’s a morbid thought, perhaps, but it’s also motivational. It’s cliché, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important. I want to stand before God knowing that I made the most of this life. How can I do that if I waste away my time?
I’m not sure how I got to this topic. I didn’t mean to talk about anything so deeply important. But it’s related, I suppose, to this post’s original purpose. Forgive my confused mind.
Throughout this summer, I’ve had a list of daily things to accomplish. Every week, I made a new copy. At the end of each day, I’d count up the points. One week, I ran out of room on the double-sided, single spaced notebook paper, and had to just add a “Miscellaneous” category. Since then, I’ve added more and taken others off. It’s shrunk so that I can focus on reading more than a chapter in each book a day, or write more, or so on. And now the list has been greatly narrowed. But how do I choose what to cross off and what to add? How do we as Christians do this? How do we decide what’s important and what to throw away?
A year ago, I began this terribly bewildering, difficult, and at times, painful quest. I was starting college, so the summer before I gave up some habits. This is embarrassing: as a homschooler, I had a lot of extra time, and almost unlimited access to the computer. After joining Facebook, I found out my mom played this game called Farmville. Ever heard of it? I started playing it as well. That was the time when at least a quarter of my friends were playing, if not more. Then I found other games. Then more. You know what’s sad? I could strategize my way through these games so well, it was not uncommon for me to be the top player among my friends. I was astonished by how much more time I had when I quit all of those things. When school started, I hardly had any time to do any writing for fun. All those notebooks in a giant box in my room sat idle for months at a time. That was truly excruciating for me.
But where’s the line? What’s okay to cut, healthy even, like Farmville, and what’s hurtful? School took over my life. It gave me anxiety, made me sick, and made it so I stopped attending church and youth group, and stopped volunteering at AWANA. But I was still getting great grades. At the time, that’s what mattered. And now I have to face yet another miserable year of that in a month.
When God told Noah to build the ark, there was no question about priorities. But not everything is so clear as that. Whenever I’m around something that has to do with psychology, I can’t stop myself from listening. When I learn ASL (American Sign Language), something just clicks. And when I’m reading or writing, I feel positively giddy. So, I’ve got the drive. But which should I devote my time to? Which job area should I pursue? Because everything I do is significant, I can’t imagine making the wrong choice.
So how do we do it? Where’s the line? What’s healthy and what’s hurtful? While the line is getting clearer in some instances, like which books I should focus on, it gets blurry in others, like whether I should focus most of my time writing a novel I hope to publish (after quite a bit of editing, of course).
Prayer. Reading the Bible. Talking with those we look to for Biblical wisdom. I’ve heard it all. I’ve tried it all. I’m not saying that these aren’t helpful; far from it! They’ve all helped me to an extent. And I’ll continue in these things. I just wish I had more patience, I guess. I mean, I am supposed to begin applying to colleges next month. But God will take care of it. He always does.
Oh, Lord, please give me strength to continue in You and to see the line clearly.
“Oh, I want to leave a legacy to be remembered.
More than just a memory that fades away,
Because we only, we only get one life.” -Sanctus Real
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Never Give Up
Oh, man, you’re so sore from that workout yesterday. And we need rest, right? Right. So, you can relax, forget about your projects for the day, and just chill. Oh, doesn’t that feel nice? But tomorrow, you’re going to dive right back into things.
Tomorrow rolls around. Oh, and aren’t you still sore? And now you’ve caught a cold from exercising in the rain too much. Eh, one more day of relaxation won’t harm anyone, right?
The next day is here. Ugh, you REALLY don’t feel like working. On anything! The cold’s on your nerves. Runny nose galore! But if it weren’t just your own, personal project, say it was a midterm paper that was due tomorrow, or taking your kid to a school play he’s in, you’d do that. But this? Who cares…
Cold’s gone! Soreness has passed. But you’re just not in the mood to do anything that’s not mandatory. You have no motivation… And if it were truly important, you’d be motivated, right?
This is how life, at least my life, tends to work. I’ll be on fire for something. Then, life gets in the way. I’m prone to illness, so for two and a half months, I suffered from sickness after sickness. I was also really stressed out; my class schedule was kind of nuts. I was so sick that once I missed an entire week of class, plus other miscellaneous days. It was the worst two and a half months of my life. I had to drop everything but school. My writing (both novels and, for the most part, this and another blog) was put on hold. I dropped everything but my schoolwork. After the first week of school, I stopped attending my youth group, another youth group I’d occasionally go to, church, and I stopped being able to volunteer at AWANA. I think I saw the doctor three times. The first time, on my birthday, they diagnosed me with anxiety disorder, drew my blood, and sent me on my way. My whole family, myself included, forgot it was my birthday until my dad remembered an hour after I woke up (one of the days I had to miss school). I think I lost somewhere between ten and fifteen pounds because it was so hard for me to eat on campus, and also sometimes at home. I hardly ever got enough sleep. I looked like death. I still managed to get a 4.0 in every class, except in one class with an impossible teacher, where I got a heinous 3.6. Yes, I’m an overachiever, but I also like to learn, and I think I only really learned in my Western religions class, because it was something I was passionate about, and more than interested in. But even in that class, I had to stop reading the textbook, losing a lot of information, so that I could focus more on things I was struggling with. Even when I focused on school, I had to eliminate some of it.
Motivation and life. Satan could be affecting it. He sure wore me down during that time. In a ridiculously confusing way, he brought my life closer and further from God. At the same time!
I’m human. And I’m not silly enough to say that I never struggle. We all do. But that’s when we grow the most. I’m always relied on God. Always. I mean, His shoulder should be bruised by how much I lean on Him! But those months? He let me know that it’s okay to be carried. It reminds me of that poem about footprints in the sand. He made me stronger through this. Maybe it sounds weak to you that I don’t rely on myself. It’s not weak, though. Placing your complete trust in something you cannot see, and handing over your life to Him, and then actually letting Him take control? It sounds scary, and kind of like you’re powerless. Like you’ve given up on yourself. I promise, you haven’t. In my first ever college class, my teacher had the class journal about certain topics. We had to write non-stop for fifteen minutes, I believe. The first time, I had no idea she was actually going to read them. When we had to hand them in, I wildly thought, Oh, no! What did I write?!? After that, though, I stopped caring that someone was going to read it. It’s a journal, and meant to be true. I just made sure not to be insulting, especially to her or the class. I remember getting one back once. She would always right notes on them.
I have to say this: when I think about topics like, “Why are you going to college?” or, well, pretty much anything, I have a good habit of thinking as a Christian. My life is nothing without God, so that’s just how I express myself. I’m honest.
Well, when I was writing, for some reason or other, about the future, and my plans, or some such thing, I couldn’t help but write about how I’m terribly uncertain, but it’s in God’s hands. Whatever He wants is what I’ll do. Now, my teacher, not being a Christian, wrote something along the lines of, “Why is in his decision? It’s your life. Why would God mind?” I didn’t realize how much she wouldn‘t understand. I mean, it doesn’t make me a wimp. And God gave me this life. I intend to live it for Him. Even if it means that He wants me to have a dozen children (kids and I don’t really see eye-to-eye…), I’ll do it. (And I didn’t say that I’d die for Him only because that is a much nicer path for me than having twelve kids. Yeah, they’re worse than death! For me, at least…)
This teacher, she symbolizes a hindrance for some people. It’s hard for some people to cope with others laughing at them for their beliefs, or being told they’re being stupid. I remember having almost my entire class getting upset that I don’t support homosexuality during a pros and cons presentation I did with a couple classmates. I actually had one girl almost yelling at me. It was hard for me to keep calm, and actually stay focused enough to let the right words come out of my mouth.
These obstacles we encounter are difficult, because, face it, if they’re obstacles, what else can they be? Easy? But we’re God’s spokespeople. What we do or say affects other people’s perceptions of Christianity. I’m hoping that my complete faith in God in my journals helped that teacher to see a bit clearer. And I’m also hoping that my standing up, and in a way I could be proud of, opened the hearts of my classmates.
Struggles like these can be used as opportunities to build yourself, and sometimes even others, in God. It’s a hard thing to overcome, but God only gives us what we can stand.
I’d like to briefly go over motivation and obstacles in one more way: The lack of motivation. Just like the first story, I was NOT motivated. A couple days ago, I had friends over (HoboCon 2011!). Long story short, I ended up being really sore yesterday. It hurt to move, or even breathe. From about my sternum to an inch before my bellybutton, and two fists wide, ached, as though I’d done one million crunches. Today is no different. Even when I don’t move, I hurt. I’ve never been so incredibly sore in such an uncomfortable spot. I never realized how much I use my upper core until now. So, yesterday, not really being able to move about, I didn’t really even read. Not up to my usual par, at least. I still got through about five books. But I assumed it would pass. Now it’s the afternoon of today, and I hurt just as much. Oh, and now my back is starting to shock me. And I feel like I desperately need to sleep. Yeah, I’m not doing well… And, add to all of this my not being at all inspired or motivated to do anything of substance. Last night, right as I was going to sleep, I thought of a tragedy, and felt motivated, but only for a minute. Today, I began to start accomplishing a few things on my list, not really in the mood. Then…pop… A tiny bubble of motivation. Just ever so slight. So, I grabbed my things and prepared to hunker down on a couch (since my bed and desk are clearly off limits as they’re so comfortable and uncomfortable, respectively). My sister got upset; for days, or maybe even a week she’s been using it as a place to lay and watch videos, or play games on her iTouch. But, hey, I thought, what’s a couple hours? Quite a bit, apparently. When I asked her why she needed it, she said because of the iTouch. I asked her why I couldn’t use it for a few hours; at least I had a purpose, and couldn’t go anywhere else. She immediately fired back that I was being selfish. I only do things that benefit myself. You see irony in this, right? I told her that what she was doing wasn’t important, even to herself. But she kept yelling at me how I’m always just doing things that are for me.
Do you know how many times I’ve tried to explain to my family what I’ve been doing? A little over a month ago, I changed. A lot. I quit bad habits and stopped wasting time. I’ve been focusing on studying for the SAT, finding out if I really need to take it to get into the college of my choice (I very well might not), reading the Bible, and Biblical studies, writing a novel to see if I can make a career out of it, or at least become published, reading novel-writing books, reading fiction to help my writing, exercising in small increments, and so on. Everything I do has a purpose, and sure, some most may be for my benefit, but I want to help others. How can I do that if I’m homeless, or if I can’t transfer to a college? How can I help others if I can’t build up my strengths, especially in God?
It’s crucial that we keep persevering, no matter what’s thrown at us. For me, the hardest things are illness and having to battle my family’s opinions. And I’m struggling to get my Christian family, who brought me up like this, to understand.
Isn’t it funny? I change for the better, and suddenly my family declares it’s not good enough, that I waste my time even more. Isn’t it funny that the more I try to help, the more anger is directed at me? I guess I expected that by stepping up, I’d at least be tolerable in my own family. I expected the world to be worse, but not this.
Those who stand up and act according to their beliefs, and those who get closer to God are almost assuredly going to face harder and harder trials. This one for me, is horrible. My strongest support is gone. There is no encouragement. No praise.
Persevere. Perseverance is a quality I’ve been building. I used to start projects, but never finish them. Not often. I still do, occasionally. But I’ve got to keep going. Think it’s easy to write a novel? Think about how many drafts I’m going to have to write of it. And think about how many times it will be rejected to be published. But it’s something I feel called toward. And so long as I feel that God’s supporting me, no matter how hard it gets, I plan on going for it. Will you?
“If you ask my husband my best trait, he’ll smile and say, ‘She never gives up.’ But if you ask him my worst trait, he’ll get a funny tic in his cheek, narrow his eyes and hiss, ‘She. Never. Gives. Up.’” -Kathryn Stockett
Tomorrow rolls around. Oh, and aren’t you still sore? And now you’ve caught a cold from exercising in the rain too much. Eh, one more day of relaxation won’t harm anyone, right?
The next day is here. Ugh, you REALLY don’t feel like working. On anything! The cold’s on your nerves. Runny nose galore! But if it weren’t just your own, personal project, say it was a midterm paper that was due tomorrow, or taking your kid to a school play he’s in, you’d do that. But this? Who cares…
Cold’s gone! Soreness has passed. But you’re just not in the mood to do anything that’s not mandatory. You have no motivation… And if it were truly important, you’d be motivated, right?
This is how life, at least my life, tends to work. I’ll be on fire for something. Then, life gets in the way. I’m prone to illness, so for two and a half months, I suffered from sickness after sickness. I was also really stressed out; my class schedule was kind of nuts. I was so sick that once I missed an entire week of class, plus other miscellaneous days. It was the worst two and a half months of my life. I had to drop everything but school. My writing (both novels and, for the most part, this and another blog) was put on hold. I dropped everything but my schoolwork. After the first week of school, I stopped attending my youth group, another youth group I’d occasionally go to, church, and I stopped being able to volunteer at AWANA. I think I saw the doctor three times. The first time, on my birthday, they diagnosed me with anxiety disorder, drew my blood, and sent me on my way. My whole family, myself included, forgot it was my birthday until my dad remembered an hour after I woke up (one of the days I had to miss school). I think I lost somewhere between ten and fifteen pounds because it was so hard for me to eat on campus, and also sometimes at home. I hardly ever got enough sleep. I looked like death. I still managed to get a 4.0 in every class, except in one class with an impossible teacher, where I got a heinous 3.6. Yes, I’m an overachiever, but I also like to learn, and I think I only really learned in my Western religions class, because it was something I was passionate about, and more than interested in. But even in that class, I had to stop reading the textbook, losing a lot of information, so that I could focus more on things I was struggling with. Even when I focused on school, I had to eliminate some of it.
Motivation and life. Satan could be affecting it. He sure wore me down during that time. In a ridiculously confusing way, he brought my life closer and further from God. At the same time!
I’m human. And I’m not silly enough to say that I never struggle. We all do. But that’s when we grow the most. I’m always relied on God. Always. I mean, His shoulder should be bruised by how much I lean on Him! But those months? He let me know that it’s okay to be carried. It reminds me of that poem about footprints in the sand. He made me stronger through this. Maybe it sounds weak to you that I don’t rely on myself. It’s not weak, though. Placing your complete trust in something you cannot see, and handing over your life to Him, and then actually letting Him take control? It sounds scary, and kind of like you’re powerless. Like you’ve given up on yourself. I promise, you haven’t. In my first ever college class, my teacher had the class journal about certain topics. We had to write non-stop for fifteen minutes, I believe. The first time, I had no idea she was actually going to read them. When we had to hand them in, I wildly thought, Oh, no! What did I write?!? After that, though, I stopped caring that someone was going to read it. It’s a journal, and meant to be true. I just made sure not to be insulting, especially to her or the class. I remember getting one back once. She would always right notes on them.
I have to say this: when I think about topics like, “Why are you going to college?” or, well, pretty much anything, I have a good habit of thinking as a Christian. My life is nothing without God, so that’s just how I express myself. I’m honest.
Well, when I was writing, for some reason or other, about the future, and my plans, or some such thing, I couldn’t help but write about how I’m terribly uncertain, but it’s in God’s hands. Whatever He wants is what I’ll do. Now, my teacher, not being a Christian, wrote something along the lines of, “Why is in his decision? It’s your life. Why would God mind?” I didn’t realize how much she wouldn‘t understand. I mean, it doesn’t make me a wimp. And God gave me this life. I intend to live it for Him. Even if it means that He wants me to have a dozen children (kids and I don’t really see eye-to-eye…), I’ll do it. (And I didn’t say that I’d die for Him only because that is a much nicer path for me than having twelve kids. Yeah, they’re worse than death! For me, at least…)
This teacher, she symbolizes a hindrance for some people. It’s hard for some people to cope with others laughing at them for their beliefs, or being told they’re being stupid. I remember having almost my entire class getting upset that I don’t support homosexuality during a pros and cons presentation I did with a couple classmates. I actually had one girl almost yelling at me. It was hard for me to keep calm, and actually stay focused enough to let the right words come out of my mouth.
These obstacles we encounter are difficult, because, face it, if they’re obstacles, what else can they be? Easy? But we’re God’s spokespeople. What we do or say affects other people’s perceptions of Christianity. I’m hoping that my complete faith in God in my journals helped that teacher to see a bit clearer. And I’m also hoping that my standing up, and in a way I could be proud of, opened the hearts of my classmates.
Struggles like these can be used as opportunities to build yourself, and sometimes even others, in God. It’s a hard thing to overcome, but God only gives us what we can stand.
I’d like to briefly go over motivation and obstacles in one more way: The lack of motivation. Just like the first story, I was NOT motivated. A couple days ago, I had friends over (HoboCon 2011!). Long story short, I ended up being really sore yesterday. It hurt to move, or even breathe. From about my sternum to an inch before my bellybutton, and two fists wide, ached, as though I’d done one million crunches. Today is no different. Even when I don’t move, I hurt. I’ve never been so incredibly sore in such an uncomfortable spot. I never realized how much I use my upper core until now. So, yesterday, not really being able to move about, I didn’t really even read. Not up to my usual par, at least. I still got through about five books. But I assumed it would pass. Now it’s the afternoon of today, and I hurt just as much. Oh, and now my back is starting to shock me. And I feel like I desperately need to sleep. Yeah, I’m not doing well… And, add to all of this my not being at all inspired or motivated to do anything of substance. Last night, right as I was going to sleep, I thought of a tragedy, and felt motivated, but only for a minute. Today, I began to start accomplishing a few things on my list, not really in the mood. Then…pop… A tiny bubble of motivation. Just ever so slight. So, I grabbed my things and prepared to hunker down on a couch (since my bed and desk are clearly off limits as they’re so comfortable and uncomfortable, respectively). My sister got upset; for days, or maybe even a week she’s been using it as a place to lay and watch videos, or play games on her iTouch. But, hey, I thought, what’s a couple hours? Quite a bit, apparently. When I asked her why she needed it, she said because of the iTouch. I asked her why I couldn’t use it for a few hours; at least I had a purpose, and couldn’t go anywhere else. She immediately fired back that I was being selfish. I only do things that benefit myself. You see irony in this, right? I told her that what she was doing wasn’t important, even to herself. But she kept yelling at me how I’m always just doing things that are for me.
Do you know how many times I’ve tried to explain to my family what I’ve been doing? A little over a month ago, I changed. A lot. I quit bad habits and stopped wasting time. I’ve been focusing on studying for the SAT, finding out if I really need to take it to get into the college of my choice (I very well might not), reading the Bible, and Biblical studies, writing a novel to see if I can make a career out of it, or at least become published, reading novel-writing books, reading fiction to help my writing, exercising in small increments, and so on. Everything I do has a purpose, and sure, some most may be for my benefit, but I want to help others. How can I do that if I’m homeless, or if I can’t transfer to a college? How can I help others if I can’t build up my strengths, especially in God?
It’s crucial that we keep persevering, no matter what’s thrown at us. For me, the hardest things are illness and having to battle my family’s opinions. And I’m struggling to get my Christian family, who brought me up like this, to understand.
Isn’t it funny? I change for the better, and suddenly my family declares it’s not good enough, that I waste my time even more. Isn’t it funny that the more I try to help, the more anger is directed at me? I guess I expected that by stepping up, I’d at least be tolerable in my own family. I expected the world to be worse, but not this.
Those who stand up and act according to their beliefs, and those who get closer to God are almost assuredly going to face harder and harder trials. This one for me, is horrible. My strongest support is gone. There is no encouragement. No praise.
Persevere. Perseverance is a quality I’ve been building. I used to start projects, but never finish them. Not often. I still do, occasionally. But I’ve got to keep going. Think it’s easy to write a novel? Think about how many drafts I’m going to have to write of it. And think about how many times it will be rejected to be published. But it’s something I feel called toward. And so long as I feel that God’s supporting me, no matter how hard it gets, I plan on going for it. Will you?
“If you ask my husband my best trait, he’ll smile and say, ‘She never gives up.’ But if you ask him my worst trait, he’ll get a funny tic in his cheek, narrow his eyes and hiss, ‘She. Never. Gives. Up.’” -Kathryn Stockett
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Take Time to Rest
I feel it’s important for me to talk about resting. It’s a good thing, you know. Sleeping is one way of doing that; can you imagine how insane you’d go if this life just kept on going without breaks of unconsciousness?
But I’m not talking- er, writing- about sleeping. I mean recharging your batteries. Relaxing. Breathing.
I found it impossible for me to take breaks. When I take breaks, they’re long. When I work, I get really into it. It’s not healthy. There has to be some sort of balance. Clearly, I’ve never gotten the hang of that. But I’m getting better.
This is something I’ve ignored for most of my life. Can I tell you why? I found it pointless. I still do quite often. I’d rather be able to sleep two to four hours a night, and spend the rest working on my current projects. For one whole month, a couple years ago, I got by on five hours a night, and hardly ever felt the side effects. It was miraculous. But what did I do with that extra time? I wasted it. Epically. Sleeping is so important to feeling refreshed. Trust me; I’m an incredibly light sleeper, with many sleep issues, so I’ve been sleep deprived ever since I can remember. Even when I was four!
Here’s something else I’ve never appreciated: Eating. I abhor it often. Actually, I only developed a liking for more than just a few foods in the last year or so. I’ve been told by a friend that I’m the most picky of picky eaters she knows. And that’s a current statement! But God made us to eat. It’s how we get energy. That and water. Luckily, it’s my favorite beverage, it being so tasty. I mean, if I had to, I would definitely say that my home’s well water defeats the most elegant of cheeses and crushes the richest of chocolates. Coming from me, a cheese and chocolate addict (especially together), that means a lot. But now I’ve gotten off track!
Okay, so we all understood sleep, food, and water long before I even mentioned it, right? Right. So let’s move on to the next most predictable way of recharging ourselves: Exercise. I loathe it. I get sweaty and out of breath. Sure, I love soccer! But the practices? Eek! Don’t let anyone see me like that! Exercise, or my lack of it, is something I’ve never gotten away with under the scrutiny of my marathoner mother. Or of my one-time marathoner father (before he hurt his knee and can now only run half marathons). Psh, even my sister exercises more than me, even without her many soccer practices (she’s in a tougher league than I was). It’s official; I’m one of the laziest people out there. Luckily, my body is nice enough to me for it to maintain a steady, healthy weight without my own effort, but that’s only a blessing from God. Seriously. Look at me! Cheese, chocolate, little sleep, and little to no exercise. I should be the size of my family by now, times three! (Moving on…) But it’s not all about weight. No, it’s health, which is why I’ve lately begun a daily exercising habit. Do you see how much physical work Biblical people did? And do you see their AGES? But I would bet that they were seriously ripped, even the women, especially the ones who were well-fed. But we’ve gotten seriously lazy in the past few centuries. It’s not how we’re meant, as human beings, to live. And there are tons of benefits. But I’ve droned on far too long to list them all. Let me just close by saying that God created us to exercise, and it’s healthy. It recharges us.
Great. So we’ve covered the basics. But I found it difficult to change my habits with those three things until I relaxed in a different way; I began to breathe.
We live in a busy age. There’s no time to breathe, truly, creating an uncomfortable environment, especially for Christians. This business can make us forget our real purpose: to please God in all that we do. Sabbath (as far as I can tell by skimming through the internet), or Shabbat in Hebrew, where it was originated, means rest, or ceasing of work. Even God took the seventh day off to rest. When’s the last time you truly took off a full day to rest? I sure haven’t done that in what is probably since I was a child, or even a baby. Since Jesus liberated us from the law, we’re free from following the multitude of Jewish laws about how we’re to observe the Sabbath. Okay, but we should still rest and meditate on Him and His Word. I know it’s not usually possible to devote an entire day to this; it’s just not realistic. I wish it were. But as it stands, that day is meant to give us life! I always feel so much more… filled when I’m at church, youth group, or the Christian summer camp I go to. Camp in particular has this wonderful effect not just on me, but on almost every single person. It’s because we’ve been pulled out of the world into our own solely for the purpose to get to know and praise God. He’s our focus and delight. He alone makes me joyful.
He lets me breathe.
This is how I recharge, aside from going to a Christian gathering:
I like to go outside, alone, sometimes listening to my iPod, sometimes not, just looking at what God created, marveling, and thinking.
I like to journal my thoughts, my pure, unadulterated thoughts about what I feel God telling me. Trust me, they don’t look like this blog.
I blog on here, but that’s only usually after my moment with God.
This one’s my favorite. I like to blast my music or have complete quiet in my room with the door closed, and I’ll lay on my bed, sit in the corner of my room, sit or lay in my closet, or stand in my closet, sometimes with the door shut, and just think. And pray. A lot. When I say think, I mean pray. It’s that much of a habit for me. I just love to talk with my God. I tell Him my secrets, my regrets, my sorrows, my happiness. It doesn’t matter. And He always hears you, you know. He may not respond when or how you expect, but He hears you and He has a plan. And He’s God! All-powerful, mighty God, our wonderful Creator. He’s the best kind of breath. When I began to read my Bible more, and study and pray more, and live for Him more, I began to breathe more often. These recharging moments I take almost once a day, if not more, sometimes for a few second, sometimes for an hour. Usually, I just focus for a few minutes, but it’s so worth it. And now I’m able to breathe again.
I feel rejuvenated. And now I’ve been able to actually let myself relax in the other three ways. Who knew that all it took was a few minutes to just let everything else go, and hand it to God? Communication is key, even in a relationship like this. People get so caught up in their lives, even when it’s living as a Christian, they forget that their religion is much less a religion and much more a relationship. And that’s something that’s much more important to build up.
“And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.” Genesis 2:2-3
But I’m not talking- er, writing- about sleeping. I mean recharging your batteries. Relaxing. Breathing.
I found it impossible for me to take breaks. When I take breaks, they’re long. When I work, I get really into it. It’s not healthy. There has to be some sort of balance. Clearly, I’ve never gotten the hang of that. But I’m getting better.
This is something I’ve ignored for most of my life. Can I tell you why? I found it pointless. I still do quite often. I’d rather be able to sleep two to four hours a night, and spend the rest working on my current projects. For one whole month, a couple years ago, I got by on five hours a night, and hardly ever felt the side effects. It was miraculous. But what did I do with that extra time? I wasted it. Epically. Sleeping is so important to feeling refreshed. Trust me; I’m an incredibly light sleeper, with many sleep issues, so I’ve been sleep deprived ever since I can remember. Even when I was four!
Here’s something else I’ve never appreciated: Eating. I abhor it often. Actually, I only developed a liking for more than just a few foods in the last year or so. I’ve been told by a friend that I’m the most picky of picky eaters she knows. And that’s a current statement! But God made us to eat. It’s how we get energy. That and water. Luckily, it’s my favorite beverage, it being so tasty. I mean, if I had to, I would definitely say that my home’s well water defeats the most elegant of cheeses and crushes the richest of chocolates. Coming from me, a cheese and chocolate addict (especially together), that means a lot. But now I’ve gotten off track!
Okay, so we all understood sleep, food, and water long before I even mentioned it, right? Right. So let’s move on to the next most predictable way of recharging ourselves: Exercise. I loathe it. I get sweaty and out of breath. Sure, I love soccer! But the practices? Eek! Don’t let anyone see me like that! Exercise, or my lack of it, is something I’ve never gotten away with under the scrutiny of my marathoner mother. Or of my one-time marathoner father (before he hurt his knee and can now only run half marathons). Psh, even my sister exercises more than me, even without her many soccer practices (she’s in a tougher league than I was). It’s official; I’m one of the laziest people out there. Luckily, my body is nice enough to me for it to maintain a steady, healthy weight without my own effort, but that’s only a blessing from God. Seriously. Look at me! Cheese, chocolate, little sleep, and little to no exercise. I should be the size of my family by now, times three! (Moving on…) But it’s not all about weight. No, it’s health, which is why I’ve lately begun a daily exercising habit. Do you see how much physical work Biblical people did? And do you see their AGES? But I would bet that they were seriously ripped, even the women, especially the ones who were well-fed. But we’ve gotten seriously lazy in the past few centuries. It’s not how we’re meant, as human beings, to live. And there are tons of benefits. But I’ve droned on far too long to list them all. Let me just close by saying that God created us to exercise, and it’s healthy. It recharges us.
Great. So we’ve covered the basics. But I found it difficult to change my habits with those three things until I relaxed in a different way; I began to breathe.
We live in a busy age. There’s no time to breathe, truly, creating an uncomfortable environment, especially for Christians. This business can make us forget our real purpose: to please God in all that we do. Sabbath (as far as I can tell by skimming through the internet), or Shabbat in Hebrew, where it was originated, means rest, or ceasing of work. Even God took the seventh day off to rest. When’s the last time you truly took off a full day to rest? I sure haven’t done that in what is probably since I was a child, or even a baby. Since Jesus liberated us from the law, we’re free from following the multitude of Jewish laws about how we’re to observe the Sabbath. Okay, but we should still rest and meditate on Him and His Word. I know it’s not usually possible to devote an entire day to this; it’s just not realistic. I wish it were. But as it stands, that day is meant to give us life! I always feel so much more… filled when I’m at church, youth group, or the Christian summer camp I go to. Camp in particular has this wonderful effect not just on me, but on almost every single person. It’s because we’ve been pulled out of the world into our own solely for the purpose to get to know and praise God. He’s our focus and delight. He alone makes me joyful.
He lets me breathe.
This is how I recharge, aside from going to a Christian gathering:
I like to go outside, alone, sometimes listening to my iPod, sometimes not, just looking at what God created, marveling, and thinking.
I like to journal my thoughts, my pure, unadulterated thoughts about what I feel God telling me. Trust me, they don’t look like this blog.
I blog on here, but that’s only usually after my moment with God.
This one’s my favorite. I like to blast my music or have complete quiet in my room with the door closed, and I’ll lay on my bed, sit in the corner of my room, sit or lay in my closet, or stand in my closet, sometimes with the door shut, and just think. And pray. A lot. When I say think, I mean pray. It’s that much of a habit for me. I just love to talk with my God. I tell Him my secrets, my regrets, my sorrows, my happiness. It doesn’t matter. And He always hears you, you know. He may not respond when or how you expect, but He hears you and He has a plan. And He’s God! All-powerful, mighty God, our wonderful Creator. He’s the best kind of breath. When I began to read my Bible more, and study and pray more, and live for Him more, I began to breathe more often. These recharging moments I take almost once a day, if not more, sometimes for a few second, sometimes for an hour. Usually, I just focus for a few minutes, but it’s so worth it. And now I’m able to breathe again.
I feel rejuvenated. And now I’ve been able to actually let myself relax in the other three ways. Who knew that all it took was a few minutes to just let everything else go, and hand it to God? Communication is key, even in a relationship like this. People get so caught up in their lives, even when it’s living as a Christian, they forget that their religion is much less a religion and much more a relationship. And that’s something that’s much more important to build up.
“And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.” Genesis 2:2-3
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Doing Hard Things For God
Is something gnawing at your heart? Is your mind being pulled toward a path you’ve never traveled before? But are you also lost as to what your heart and mind want? Why must you go that way, you wonder. It’s like traveling without light; it feels foreign and wrong. But God doesn’t always let us stay in our comfort zone. He also doesn’t always tell us His plans.
Guess what? That’s where I am right now. I’m headed for something. It feels like it’s coming at me fast, but I suppose I’m just not patient enough. I’m also not sure what this path is, yet I’m traveling on it! It sounds so ridiculous, and I doubt non-Christians, and even some Christians understand. Even those who do probably don’t perceive it as I do. Regardless, let me do my best at explaining it:
God’s speaking so directly to me, it’s frustrating! I am so sure that God’s molding me to do something, be someone, and I’m not sure what the end result will be. I’m not even sure what it will require! Perhaps patients, eh?
Still, He gave me a clear, proper warning, and I’ve taken heed of it. How so? Hmm, I wonder… Mayb-THOSE 20+ BOOKS, PERHAPS? Yeah, probably those, and the other things on my list of 44 things I’m meant to do daily (I’ve actually crossed off 10 things in the last few days. And I have a list of 18 books I’m going to read later.) See? Even without knowing what it is, I’m preparing. I’m not sure what it is, so I’m simultaneously reading the Bible, completing Bible studies and Christian studies, reading a couple self-help books (although, they’re not dull. One was especially fun to read! Although I’m done with it now…), doing higher level reading in fiction, learning guitar and keeping up with piano, as well as trying to write three books, two blogs, exercise, lead a healthier life, and clean. And… I find time to have fun?!? You betcha!
Of course, some days, I don’t get much done. As it is, I don’t think I’ve ever once finished every single thing on my list. But that doesn’t matter. Each day, I feel compelled such-and-so books, but not this and that one. And that’s just fine. I’m putting in the effort where I deem it pertinent. Also, I’ve found that I get a lot more done either when it’s highly expected (like when I read a most of the books two mornings when I was at a friend’s house. Of course, we talked a lot, and watched a bit of TV, but by the time I left, I had finished much more than I usually would have at home, all because I had told him when I got there that I would be reading. [And it wasn’t a normal visit. I wasn’t being mean. It was more of because both of our families were gone until midday, and I hate being alone…]), or when it’s the afternoon or night. I have more drive, I’m better motivated, as well as more inspired. So that whole thing about work first and play later? While I fully believe it in most situations, such as studying for an exam, with my daily routine, it just doesn’t work! So in the morning and during midday, I take a lot of breaks. And it usually involves multitasking. When it’s not as important as studying God’s Word, why not? So, when I’m on the computer, I’m usually eating, or watching a Netflix DVD, or even both! Or I’ll watch a show while exercising or cleaning my room (where it’s usually helpful to use a computer, unless you live in the TV’s room, or have a TV in your room…). It helps with my not wasting time. Of course, it doesn’t always work. But this way, later in the day, I won’t feel like I’m wasting time by watching Netflix with my family, because I cleaned out a huge box in my closet while watching it, whereas otherwise I’d just feel as though I were wasting time by not doing something else as well.
I know it sounds like a bunch or work, and some days it feels like that, but this is how I do things. I’ve become very time-conscious, which is something that my Mom’s been urging me to monitor. I hate wasting a minute. Still, I spend some breaks by actually taking a fully-fledged break. Some nights, after dinner, I’ll play badminton with my family.
Let me tell you, it was TOUGH breaking all of my old habits and swapping them for what at first seemed irritatingly like a ton of hard work. And it was hard, at first. In my original list, I only had about ten things to do. It seemed impossible. But I quickly adjusted, and began adding more to my plate. The other day, I wanted to add about ten things! But I changed it to four, and crossed off a few books that I found unhelpful. It’s been about a month, now, and I’m shocked at what I’ve accomplished. Okay, so I’ve only finished three books I believe, but I’m close to finishing a lot more. And now I’m thinking about how sad it is that I didn’t start applying myself sooner. Hopefully, it will help me do better in college next year, among other things. It will pay off in the long run.
It makes me wonder what most people, especially teenagers, could do if they focused more on applying themselves in things that will benefit them in the future. If more people decided to ignore our culture’s view of the youth, then I bet that there would be a huge change in teenager’s attitudes toward life.
My sister tells me constantly that I’m taking things too seriously. That I care too much about school, or where I’m going to apply for college. Is that really a bad thing? If I focus too much on it, yes, but caring about my present and future is something that I think more people, teenagers especially, should care about.
This brings me to what I believe is my final point: the world will always be against those who break the trend in the name of God. I don’t think anyone quite grasps what I’m doing or why. I try to explain, but no one seems to take me seriously because of my age. Even my family hasn’t been supportive. My mom acknowledges that I’m trying, but she also can’t understand how hard it is for me. She still thinks I waste time and energy on silly things, and I do a bit, but it’s being taken far out of context. I don’t think my dad even knows, despite the library I’m dragging around in two huge bags (on being a duffle bad, and the other, a beach bag). My sister flat out believes I’m wasting my time. And this is my family, my close, Christian family. Imagine the world!
I can’t blame my family, though. It’s hard not to, because they’re always telling me to do a lot of other things, as though I have unlimited time since it’s summer, but I just can’t. The Bible tells us not to judge others. It’s something I’m working on, but it’s hard because my entire backbone of support is gone! And I need it. It helps to have a lot of support when your doing hard things, trust me. I get no praise or encouragement. I get quite the opposite at times. I do well as a goalie in soccer, or playing the piano, or in school, but those are only somewhat hard things for me. This, what I’m doing, has pushed me so hard that sometimes I want to give up, but I know I can’t. So I keep at it, without it ever being something that even my own family will tell me, “Good job,” about.
That’s what it’s about. It’s about perseverance, despite it all. So long as God is for us, what else matters? I’m reminded of the five different kinds of hards listed in Do Hard Things:
1. We should strive to do hard things that are outside of our cozy comfort zone.
2. We should do more than what people expect or what is required (like doing extra cleaning).
3. We should do things too big to accomplish all by ourselves, like starting an organization, putting together a play, or even selling lemonade.
4. We should do our best to do things that don’t have an immediate payoff (like working out).
5. Lastly, we should do things that challenge our culture’s norm (like dressing moderately or resisting the temptation of watching that horrible film with friends).
Oh, man, I’m doing all of those… Number five has almost always been a no brainer for me. I have no qualms about standing up for my unpopular beliefs. The others, however, are things I’ve struggled with. But I need help with writing a novel. I need feedback and well-meant criticism. Okay, so that’s number three. Almost every one of my projects fits under number four. It’s a hard one because I can’t help but think, “So what if I don’t exercise? It’s ONE DAY.” It’s probably the reason I procrastinate with things, like schoolwork. I’ve been working gradually on number one. I don’t leave the house all that often, but when I do, I try to do something that I normally wouldn’t. Also, whenever I add something to that monstrosity of a list, I’m making my comfort zone wider. I’ve tried to be more honest about who I am to people, including my family. And I’ve been driving more lately, which is something I loathe. Little changes to that comfort zone, and who knows how huge it could one day be? In regards to number two, I do that all the time. No one ever really notices, but I know, and it makes me happy (at least until I’m yelled at for not doing so-and-so, when I just did it times five). But most people don’t expect much from teenagers, even the ones who exceed expectations. I’m doing my best to push that boundary.
I hope that you can appreciate my story. You probably don’t, or at least not much. I don’t care. I just hope you understand that God put us here to do His will, and not just at certain times. But if we do His will, we’ll always be opposed. Does that matter? God calls us to stand for Him and to do hard things… for HIM. And if God were saying this, I doubt you’d directly tell Him no. Yet we do it indirectly all of the time. We CAN make a difference. It just requires that we do things that push us to our limits, but never beyond. God only ever gives us what we can handle.
“Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.”- Theodore I. Rubin
Guess what? That’s where I am right now. I’m headed for something. It feels like it’s coming at me fast, but I suppose I’m just not patient enough. I’m also not sure what this path is, yet I’m traveling on it! It sounds so ridiculous, and I doubt non-Christians, and even some Christians understand. Even those who do probably don’t perceive it as I do. Regardless, let me do my best at explaining it:
God’s speaking so directly to me, it’s frustrating! I am so sure that God’s molding me to do something, be someone, and I’m not sure what the end result will be. I’m not even sure what it will require! Perhaps patients, eh?
Still, He gave me a clear, proper warning, and I’ve taken heed of it. How so? Hmm, I wonder… Mayb-THOSE 20+ BOOKS, PERHAPS? Yeah, probably those, and the other things on my list of 44 things I’m meant to do daily (I’ve actually crossed off 10 things in the last few days. And I have a list of 18 books I’m going to read later.) See? Even without knowing what it is, I’m preparing. I’m not sure what it is, so I’m simultaneously reading the Bible, completing Bible studies and Christian studies, reading a couple self-help books (although, they’re not dull. One was especially fun to read! Although I’m done with it now…), doing higher level reading in fiction, learning guitar and keeping up with piano, as well as trying to write three books, two blogs, exercise, lead a healthier life, and clean. And… I find time to have fun?!? You betcha!
Of course, some days, I don’t get much done. As it is, I don’t think I’ve ever once finished every single thing on my list. But that doesn’t matter. Each day, I feel compelled such-and-so books, but not this and that one. And that’s just fine. I’m putting in the effort where I deem it pertinent. Also, I’ve found that I get a lot more done either when it’s highly expected (like when I read a most of the books two mornings when I was at a friend’s house. Of course, we talked a lot, and watched a bit of TV, but by the time I left, I had finished much more than I usually would have at home, all because I had told him when I got there that I would be reading. [And it wasn’t a normal visit. I wasn’t being mean. It was more of because both of our families were gone until midday, and I hate being alone…]), or when it’s the afternoon or night. I have more drive, I’m better motivated, as well as more inspired. So that whole thing about work first and play later? While I fully believe it in most situations, such as studying for an exam, with my daily routine, it just doesn’t work! So in the morning and during midday, I take a lot of breaks. And it usually involves multitasking. When it’s not as important as studying God’s Word, why not? So, when I’m on the computer, I’m usually eating, or watching a Netflix DVD, or even both! Or I’ll watch a show while exercising or cleaning my room (where it’s usually helpful to use a computer, unless you live in the TV’s room, or have a TV in your room…). It helps with my not wasting time. Of course, it doesn’t always work. But this way, later in the day, I won’t feel like I’m wasting time by watching Netflix with my family, because I cleaned out a huge box in my closet while watching it, whereas otherwise I’d just feel as though I were wasting time by not doing something else as well.
I know it sounds like a bunch or work, and some days it feels like that, but this is how I do things. I’ve become very time-conscious, which is something that my Mom’s been urging me to monitor. I hate wasting a minute. Still, I spend some breaks by actually taking a fully-fledged break. Some nights, after dinner, I’ll play badminton with my family.
Let me tell you, it was TOUGH breaking all of my old habits and swapping them for what at first seemed irritatingly like a ton of hard work. And it was hard, at first. In my original list, I only had about ten things to do. It seemed impossible. But I quickly adjusted, and began adding more to my plate. The other day, I wanted to add about ten things! But I changed it to four, and crossed off a few books that I found unhelpful. It’s been about a month, now, and I’m shocked at what I’ve accomplished. Okay, so I’ve only finished three books I believe, but I’m close to finishing a lot more. And now I’m thinking about how sad it is that I didn’t start applying myself sooner. Hopefully, it will help me do better in college next year, among other things. It will pay off in the long run.
It makes me wonder what most people, especially teenagers, could do if they focused more on applying themselves in things that will benefit them in the future. If more people decided to ignore our culture’s view of the youth, then I bet that there would be a huge change in teenager’s attitudes toward life.
My sister tells me constantly that I’m taking things too seriously. That I care too much about school, or where I’m going to apply for college. Is that really a bad thing? If I focus too much on it, yes, but caring about my present and future is something that I think more people, teenagers especially, should care about.
This brings me to what I believe is my final point: the world will always be against those who break the trend in the name of God. I don’t think anyone quite grasps what I’m doing or why. I try to explain, but no one seems to take me seriously because of my age. Even my family hasn’t been supportive. My mom acknowledges that I’m trying, but she also can’t understand how hard it is for me. She still thinks I waste time and energy on silly things, and I do a bit, but it’s being taken far out of context. I don’t think my dad even knows, despite the library I’m dragging around in two huge bags (on being a duffle bad, and the other, a beach bag). My sister flat out believes I’m wasting my time. And this is my family, my close, Christian family. Imagine the world!
I can’t blame my family, though. It’s hard not to, because they’re always telling me to do a lot of other things, as though I have unlimited time since it’s summer, but I just can’t. The Bible tells us not to judge others. It’s something I’m working on, but it’s hard because my entire backbone of support is gone! And I need it. It helps to have a lot of support when your doing hard things, trust me. I get no praise or encouragement. I get quite the opposite at times. I do well as a goalie in soccer, or playing the piano, or in school, but those are only somewhat hard things for me. This, what I’m doing, has pushed me so hard that sometimes I want to give up, but I know I can’t. So I keep at it, without it ever being something that even my own family will tell me, “Good job,” about.
That’s what it’s about. It’s about perseverance, despite it all. So long as God is for us, what else matters? I’m reminded of the five different kinds of hards listed in Do Hard Things:
1. We should strive to do hard things that are outside of our cozy comfort zone.
2. We should do more than what people expect or what is required (like doing extra cleaning).
3. We should do things too big to accomplish all by ourselves, like starting an organization, putting together a play, or even selling lemonade.
4. We should do our best to do things that don’t have an immediate payoff (like working out).
5. Lastly, we should do things that challenge our culture’s norm (like dressing moderately or resisting the temptation of watching that horrible film with friends).
Oh, man, I’m doing all of those… Number five has almost always been a no brainer for me. I have no qualms about standing up for my unpopular beliefs. The others, however, are things I’ve struggled with. But I need help with writing a novel. I need feedback and well-meant criticism. Okay, so that’s number three. Almost every one of my projects fits under number four. It’s a hard one because I can’t help but think, “So what if I don’t exercise? It’s ONE DAY.” It’s probably the reason I procrastinate with things, like schoolwork. I’ve been working gradually on number one. I don’t leave the house all that often, but when I do, I try to do something that I normally wouldn’t. Also, whenever I add something to that monstrosity of a list, I’m making my comfort zone wider. I’ve tried to be more honest about who I am to people, including my family. And I’ve been driving more lately, which is something I loathe. Little changes to that comfort zone, and who knows how huge it could one day be? In regards to number two, I do that all the time. No one ever really notices, but I know, and it makes me happy (at least until I’m yelled at for not doing so-and-so, when I just did it times five). But most people don’t expect much from teenagers, even the ones who exceed expectations. I’m doing my best to push that boundary.
I hope that you can appreciate my story. You probably don’t, or at least not much. I don’t care. I just hope you understand that God put us here to do His will, and not just at certain times. But if we do His will, we’ll always be opposed. Does that matter? God calls us to stand for Him and to do hard things… for HIM. And if God were saying this, I doubt you’d directly tell Him no. Yet we do it indirectly all of the time. We CAN make a difference. It just requires that we do things that push us to our limits, but never beyond. God only ever gives us what we can handle.
“Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.”- Theodore I. Rubin
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