You Never Know

     I never knew why I was so drawn to death; though, death on its own is not grandeur. The tragic demise of a hero, the brutal killing of the ones who take a stand… It pulls me in, like a flower to a bee.      Yesterday, while reading, I realized why it is so alluring to me. It is not that I am morbid. No. But I am a Christian. So for me, the best thing in the world is the story of a man who gave his life to offer salvation to everyone else. (And, of course, three days later he rose from the grave.)
     While it is horrible, the case of the martyr is very special. And it affects me deeply. I think it makes me connect better with God. Certainly people will die over very silly things, but let’s not dwell on that.
     (Spoilers from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallow in the next paragraph.)
     One of my favorite fictional characters is Severus Snape. I know, I know, witchcraft and all that. But put it all aside. Okay, so he still would not quite fit the bill of a martyr. But he’s pretty close. He grew up abused. He turned into a horrible person, joined the wrong side, and so on. Then the woman he loves is killed, and in remorse, spies on the evil side. He turns good. But he’s always hates by his own side, he’s always alone, and then, without knowing his betrayal to them, the evil side kills him. And it makes me want to cry. He was only loved by his mother, his childhood friend, and his mentor. They were all dead when he died. No one ever knew him until he was gone. It’s terribly tragic. His whole life was consumed by a war. And in his last moments, he helped the good side to conquer.
     I have been writing a story lately. It is about a war and a girl who has to grow up much too soon to help their army win. It is filled with tragic, seemingly preventable deaths. If it were any other way, it would not be something that I can cherish.
     The whole idea about giving up your life for God, for a cause, for the most important reason possible is largely romantic, and seems silly. But it’s not silly. I mean, those movies where the guy and girl don’t get together and everything seems to fall apart? That’s silly. So much worse things can happen.
     I won’t be sure, probably for a while, but I don’t think I’m supposed to really live like most people do. Not everyone gets married and has 2.5 kids, you know. And honestly, pretty much once I hit junior high, I stopped thinking about marriage and becoming a parent, and whatever else. I’ve hardly ever even thought about “liking” someone since then. And the times I do are insanely brief (think of five minutes as being the maximum). I’m pretty sure that if I weren’t so heinously paranoid, I could live pretty well as a hermit. I’d be the happiest hermit you would ever met. Alas! God does not want us to keep everything to ourselves. As much as I loathe this world, I know I’m meant to be a part of it to bring the Light to others. But I don’t really feel a pull toward marriage and the whole shebang. I think I’m meant to be a Severus Snape. And if God wants that for me, then who am I to say no?
     I know a girl who has no career ambitions to speak of, and who doesn’t really show an interest in college. It’s as if she thinks she’ll marry out of high school (and she’s not dating anyone to speak of). What she wants most of all is to volunteer at a church and raise a family. Maybe that’s her future. Perhaps that’s what God’s telling her. But I just can’t imagine being a housewife, or a mother.
     Some people do have to give up a lot of what their life could have been. I’m willing. I don’t know if it’s in God’s designs, but He’ll let me know one day. But society, Christian society, doesn’t tend to address that some people will be paying a bigger sacrifice for God, such as a spouse, having a cozy job, or sometimes even their life. I’m praying that people listen closely to God when he tells them if what looks like the reasonable choice is the correct choice. It probably is, but you never know. I tell my parents to expect grandchildren from my younger sister before me because it doesn’t seem like it will be in my future, at least my near future. But God’s plans are stronger than my own, and you never know…
     "Sometimes even to live is an act of courage." -Seneca
     "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21