This is your life. Are you who you want to be?

     Today, I was laying in bed with my computer, wasting my time. That’s when I heard it; “This is your life. Are you who you want to be?” (It’s lyrics to a Switchfoot song.) I began contemplating. It took me all of two seconds to answer, “No.” So, for the next hour and a half, I thought about it on and off as I ate dinner and watched a bit of TV.
     In a nutshell, my dad would not listen to my very simple (and kind) advise, creating an argument. I went to my room to calm down. As I listened to music (Switchfoot, again), I realized that my life is in shambles. It is quite easily a whole lot better than it has been since I was about eleven, but it still is quite awful. Do you know how many times I have told myself that my life was fine; I was fine? I kept lying to myself. I kept telling myself that things would undoubtedly get better. Do you know how hard it is to keep lying to yourself? I did that for at least six years. SIX YEARS. 
     I’m so tired of it.
     Guess what? Nothing in life is guaranteed. So, when things get bad, I would tell myself that eventually, things would get better. That I would feel better.
     That never really happened.
     My life changed. Things got both better and worse. And today, in my room, I was just overcome with regret and confusion. Suddenly, I realized that no matter how many times I had tried to give everything to Jesus, I never quite did. I still think back to when I was five and lament doing things! And it’s not only living with past sins, it’s living with all the worries about my present and future. I’m seventeen and in the fall, I should really start applying for colleges. I still have only smidgeons of ideas of what I might like to do! (Please don’t tell me that I’m still young. I know that all too well. Because I’ve been in an accelerated college program, I won’t have those wonderful first two or so years to fulfill requirement classes. I kind of have to choose soon.)
     Today, I gave God everything. I gave Him my regrets and my worries. I also gave Him all of those lies. I’m feeling a bit better. I know it sounds pessimistic, but now I understand that my life isn’t guaranteed to get better. For all I know, this is the best it will ever be. But I don’t need happiness. All I need is Jesus.
     “No soul can be really at rest until it has given up all dependence on everything else and has been forced to depend on the Lord alone. As long as our expectation is from other things, nothing but disappointment awaits us. Feelings may change, and will change with our changing circumstances; doctrines and dogmas may be upset; Christian work may come to naught; prayers may seem to lose their fervency; promises may seem to fail; everything that we have believed in or depended upon may seem to be swept away, and only God is left, just God, the bare God, if I may be allowed the expression; simply and only God.” -Hannah Whitall Smith