A New Way of Caring

I love church. I heard the message today, but I missed a lot of it. I would in any normal circumstance be disappointed with myself, but why I missed it makes up for my inattention.

At first it was a poem. As I watched the pastor give a few announcements, I was inspired. Have you ever listened to a pastor, and I mean really listened? Most of the ones I’ve ever heard have this thing in their voice, almost like they’re in an over exaggerated play. But there’s something in it where you just know that the enthusiasm, the way they speak as though God was really talking to them through the Scriptures… It’s usually real. Of course, I’ve heard from one or more that they’ve actually, in teaching their audience, been convincing themselves as well. They believe, but something’s missing that week, month, or year. That was the first bit of the poem, and there are four. It’s all about those amazing pastors whose faith is terribly strong, but they’re lacking their edge.

Part two was about the critics. It was about the skeptic who saw only the lacking edge in the pastor. The one person that there will always be who does not and will not ever connect, or at least in this poem of mine. Because they don’t understand, they create falsifications, and so on about the pastor and congregation.

Part three is about the one who can see it all. They see that the pastor, while great in faith, is missing a bit of luster. And that is just that.

Part four is still about the person who understands what’s really going on. They know the skeptic is bitter and etc…

I was thinking about adding a part five, from God’s point of view of His children. I think I will, but I’m not positive.

Now, don’t think this is what really stole up the time I should have been listening to the sermon. No.  It’s a hard thing to describe…

Before church started, I realized I should be praying each and every day for insight from God, such as a Bible verse’s meaning, or how I was to apply myself for him. This is when I realized that who I love being may not be what I need to be. I mean, I roll my eyes when those who are sinning horribly and only hurting themselves would rather to that than have a higher authority. But while I’ve always been open for God to change my life, I’ve never wanted to change major parts of me.

I’m quite proud with the fact that I’m near unreadable. I like that I’m not one of those people everyone flocks around. I know some of those people, and I happen to know they don’t really like it because they’re so likable, even when they’re obviously annoyed by a person, that person will never realize it. I might be cold, but it’s just how I function.

But what if God needs me to like people? What if I need to be friendly? I’m not sure that I could, but what if it’s a necessity?

After church, I saw someone looking at me. I’m pretty sure they were looking around, but it made me think. I know that person was either searching the room, or less likely, searching my face, but it made me wonder; am I as unreadable as I used to be, or am I like that person? I had to be before. I didn’t have any close friends, so not only did I need to have an unreadable expression to hide any sour emotions, but there was no reason for me to be expressive as it would be without people I really knew. But now, I have friends. I have real friends. They tell me I smile more. It’s their fault and I know it. They make me smile. They’re that amazing. But since I’m using non-faked emotions, does that make me more vulnerable to being read at a glance? Am I transparent to those who I am not close with? I certainly hope it’s not what God wants of me.

Just as a bitty bit of a side note, I know I’m not transparent to everyone, at the very least. My extended family is always asking if I feel alright or something like that. I’m usually happy… Kind of.

As I thought of that person who met my glance, I realized that while I don’t know them, and I’ve never cared to, even though they’re not annoying or anything, I cared. Of course, I’d care for people like them. I wouldn’t want them to come into harm. But this is different. I’d care because they’re a friend of sight. I don’t mean that I’d ever become friends with them in a normal world, because I wouldn’t. I just mean that they’re something around acquaintance. They’re the people I wouldn’t normally speak to, but I’m around enough for them to be a friend of sight. There’s something comforting about being in a room of people you know, if only by sight. Something’s changed in me already. I’m not sure I like it, because now I care more for more people. Before I could just shut anyone I pleased out…

Their short-lived gaze is still staring at me in my mind, reminding me that I care. My ice is melting. I almost cried when I realized. Now I’m vulnerable. Now I care not just for a community. I care for persons (as in individually).

          “The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” - Marcel Proust