Legacy

     Why must everything be profound? Even little things are massive in the grand scheme of things. I’ve read quite a few books of poor quality, or ones that did quite the opposite of satisfying me. Had I given up on them early on, how many hours, how many days of my life would I get back? Little things add up…
     It’s tiring. I can’t reverse how I see things. I regret so much because of it. But I also know that right now, this very second even, I’m doing things I won’t regret. I won’t ever regret writing this blog. It’s too important. I don’t care that hardly anyone reads it; the few who do are a good enough reward.
     My time is so valuable now. Every little break I savor; every time I work on my projects, I glow. It irritates my family that I’m so conscientious of time. I think it’s a grand thing.
     I mean, what if I were to die tomorrow? It’s a morbid thought, perhaps, but it’s also motivational. It’s cliché, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important. I want to stand before God knowing that I made the most of this life. How can I do that if I waste away my time?
     I’m not sure how I got to this topic. I didn’t mean to talk about anything so deeply important. But it’s related, I suppose, to this post’s original purpose. Forgive my confused mind.
     Throughout this summer, I’ve had a list of daily things to accomplish. Every week, I made a new copy. At the end of each day, I’d count up the points. One week, I ran out of room on the double-sided, single spaced notebook paper, and had to just add a “Miscellaneous” category. Since then, I’ve added more and taken others off. It’s shrunk so that I can focus on reading more than a chapter in each book a day, or write more, or so on. And now the list has been greatly narrowed. But how do I choose what to cross off and what to add? How do we as Christians do this? How do we decide what’s important and what to throw away?
     A year ago, I began this terribly bewildering, difficult, and at times, painful quest. I was starting college, so the summer before I gave up some habits. This is embarrassing: as a homschooler, I had a lot of extra time, and almost unlimited access to the computer. After joining Facebook, I found out my mom played this game called Farmville. Ever heard of it? I started playing it as well. That was the time when at least a quarter of my friends were playing, if not more. Then I found other games. Then more. You know what’s sad? I could strategize my way through these games so well, it was not uncommon for me to be the top player among my friends. I was astonished by how much more time I had when I quit all of those things. When school started, I hardly had any time to do any writing for fun. All those notebooks in a giant box in my room sat idle for months at a time. That was truly excruciating for me.
     But where’s the line? What’s okay to cut, healthy even, like Farmville, and what’s hurtful? School took over my life. It gave me anxiety, made me sick, and made it so I stopped attending church and youth group, and stopped volunteering at AWANA. But I was still getting great grades. At the time, that’s what mattered. And now I have to face yet another miserable year of that in a month.
    When God told Noah to build the ark, there was no question about priorities. But not everything is so clear as that. Whenever I’m around something that has to do with psychology, I can’t stop myself from listening. When I learn ASL (American Sign Language), something just clicks. And when I’m reading or writing, I feel positively giddy. So, I’ve got the drive. But which should I devote my time to? Which job area should I pursue? Because everything I do is significant, I can’t imagine making the wrong choice.
     So how do we do it? Where’s the line? What’s healthy and what’s hurtful? While the line is getting clearer in some instances, like which books I should focus on, it gets blurry in others, like whether I should focus most of my time writing a novel I hope to publish (after quite a bit of editing, of course).
     Prayer. Reading the Bible. Talking with those we look to for Biblical wisdom. I’ve heard it all. I’ve tried it all. I’m not saying that these aren’t helpful; far from it! They’ve all helped me to an extent. And I’ll continue in these things. I just wish I had more patience, I guess. I mean, I am supposed to begin applying to colleges next month. But God will take care of it. He always does.
     Oh, Lord, please give me strength to continue in You and to see the line clearly.
     “Oh, I want to leave a legacy to be remembered.
     More than just a memory that fades away,
     Because we only, we only get one life.” -Sanctus Real

Doing Hard Things For God

     Is something gnawing at your heart? Is your mind being pulled toward a path you’ve never traveled before? But are you also lost as to what your heart and mind want? Why must you go that way, you wonder. It’s like traveling without light; it feels foreign and wrong. But God doesn’t always let us stay in our comfort zone. He also doesn’t always tell us His plans.
     Guess what? That’s where I am right now. I’m headed for something. It feels like it’s coming at me fast, but I suppose I’m just not patient enough. I’m also not sure what this path is, yet I’m traveling on it! It sounds so ridiculous, and I doubt non-Christians, and even some Christians understand. Even those who do probably don’t perceive it as I do. Regardless, let me do my best at explaining it:
     God’s speaking so directly to me, it’s frustrating! I am so sure that God’s molding me to do something, be someone, and I’m not sure what the end result will be. I’m not even sure what it will require! Perhaps patients, eh?
     Still, He gave me a clear, proper warning, and I’ve taken heed of it. How so? Hmm, I wonder… Mayb-THOSE 20+ BOOKS, PERHAPS? Yeah, probably those, and the other things on my list of 44 things I’m meant to do daily (I’ve actually crossed off 10 things in the last few days. And I have a list of 18 books I’m going to read later.) See? Even without knowing what it is, I’m preparing. I’m not sure what it is, so I’m simultaneously reading the Bible, completing Bible studies and Christian studies, reading a couple self-help books (although, they’re not dull. One was especially fun to read! Although I’m done with it now…), doing higher level reading in fiction, learning guitar and keeping up with piano, as well as trying to write three books, two blogs, exercise, lead a healthier life, and clean. And… I find time to have fun?!? You betcha!
     Of course, some days, I don’t get much done. As it is, I don’t think I’ve ever once finished every single thing on my list. But that doesn’t matter. Each day, I feel compelled such-and-so books, but not this and that one. And that’s just fine. I’m putting in the effort where I deem it pertinent. Also, I’ve found that I get a lot more done either when it’s highly expected (like when I read a most of the books two mornings when I was at a friend’s house. Of course, we talked a lot, and watched a bit of TV, but by the time I left, I had finished much more than I usually would have at home, all because I had told him when I got there that I would be reading. [And it wasn’t a normal visit. I wasn’t being mean. It was more of because both of our families were gone until midday, and I hate being alone…]), or when it’s the afternoon or night. I have more drive, I’m better motivated, as well as more inspired. So that whole thing about work first and play later? While I fully believe it in most situations, such as studying for an exam, with my daily routine, it just doesn’t work! So in the morning and during midday, I take a lot of breaks. And it usually involves multitasking. When it’s not as important as studying God’s Word, why not? So, when I’m on the computer, I’m usually eating, or watching a Netflix DVD, or even both! Or I’ll watch a show while exercising or cleaning my room (where it’s usually helpful to use a computer, unless you live in the TV’s room, or have a TV in your room…). It helps with my not wasting time. Of course, it doesn’t always work. But this way, later in the day, I won’t feel like I’m wasting time by watching Netflix with my family, because I cleaned out a huge box in my closet while watching it, whereas otherwise I’d just feel as though I were wasting time by not doing something else as well.
     I know it sounds like a bunch or work, and some days it feels like that, but this is how I do things. I’ve become very time-conscious, which is something that my Mom’s been urging me to monitor. I hate wasting a minute. Still, I spend some breaks by actually taking a fully-fledged break. Some nights, after dinner, I’ll play badminton with my family.
     Let me tell you, it was TOUGH breaking all of my old habits and swapping them for what at first seemed irritatingly like a ton of hard work. And it was hard, at first. In my original list, I only had about ten things to do. It seemed impossible. But I quickly adjusted, and began adding more to my plate. The other day, I wanted to add about ten things! But I changed it to four, and crossed off a few books that I found unhelpful. It’s been about a month, now, and I’m shocked at what I’ve accomplished. Okay, so I’ve only finished three books I believe, but I’m close to finishing a lot more. And now I’m thinking about how sad it is that I didn’t start applying myself sooner. Hopefully, it will help me do better in college next year, among other things. It will pay off in the long run.
     It makes me wonder what most people, especially teenagers, could do if they focused more on applying themselves in things that will benefit them in the future. If more people decided to ignore our culture’s view of the youth, then I bet that there would be a huge change in teenager’s attitudes toward life.
My sister tells me constantly that I’m taking things too seriously. That I care too much about school, or where I’m going to apply for college. Is that really a bad thing? If I focus too much on it, yes, but caring about my present and future is something that I think more people, teenagers especially, should care about.
This brings me to what I believe is my final point: the world will always be against those who break the trend in the name of God. I don’t think anyone quite grasps what I’m doing or why. I try to explain, but no one seems to take me seriously because of my age. Even my family hasn’t been supportive. My mom acknowledges that I’m trying, but she also can’t understand how hard it is for me. She still thinks I waste time and energy on silly things, and I do a bit, but it’s being taken far out of context. I don’t think my dad even knows, despite the library I’m dragging around in two huge bags (on being a duffle bad, and the other, a beach bag). My sister flat out believes I’m wasting my time. And this is my family, my close, Christian family. Imagine the world!
     I can’t blame my family, though. It’s hard not to, because they’re always telling me to do a lot of other things, as though I have unlimited time since it’s summer, but I just can’t. The Bible tells us not to judge others. It’s something I’m working on, but it’s hard because my entire backbone of support is gone! And I need it. It helps to have a lot of support when your doing hard things, trust me. I get no praise or encouragement. I get quite the opposite at times. I do well as a goalie in soccer, or playing the piano, or in school, but those are only somewhat hard things for me. This, what I’m doing, has pushed me so hard that sometimes I want to give up, but I know I can’t. So I keep at it, without it ever being something that even my own family will tell me, “Good job,” about.
     That’s what it’s about. It’s about perseverance, despite it all. So long as God is for us, what else matters? I’m reminded of the five different kinds of hards listed in Do Hard Things:
1. We should strive to do hard things that are outside of our cozy comfort zone.
2. We should do more than what people expect or what is required (like doing extra cleaning).
3. We should do things too big to accomplish all by ourselves, like starting an organization, putting together a play, or even selling lemonade.
4. We should do our best to do things that don’t have an immediate payoff (like working out).
5. Lastly, we should do things that challenge our culture’s norm (like dressing moderately or resisting the temptation of watching that horrible film with friends).
     Oh, man, I’m doing all of those… Number five has almost always been a no brainer for me. I have no qualms about standing up for my unpopular beliefs. The others, however, are things I’ve struggled with. But I need help with writing a novel. I need feedback and well-meant criticism. Okay, so that’s number three. Almost every one of my projects fits under number four. It’s a hard one because I can’t help but think, “So what if I don’t exercise? It’s ONE DAY.” It’s probably the reason I procrastinate with things, like schoolwork. I’ve been working gradually on number one. I don’t leave the house all that often, but when I do, I try to do something that I normally wouldn’t. Also, whenever I add something to that monstrosity of a list, I’m making my comfort zone wider. I’ve tried to be more honest about who I am to people, including my family. And I’ve been driving more lately, which is something I loathe. Little changes to that comfort zone, and who knows how huge it could one day be? In regards to number two, I do that all the time. No one ever really notices, but I know, and it makes me happy (at least until I’m yelled at for not doing so-and-so, when I just did it times five). But most people don’t expect much from teenagers, even the ones who exceed expectations. I’m doing my best to push that boundary.
     I hope that you can appreciate my story. You probably don’t, or at least not much. I don’t care. I just hope you understand that God put us here to do His will, and not just at certain times. But if we do His will, we’ll always be opposed. Does that matter? God calls us to stand for Him and to do hard things… for HIM. And if God were saying this, I doubt you’d directly tell Him no. Yet we do it indirectly all of the time. We CAN make a difference. It just requires that we do things that push us to our limits, but never beyond. God only ever gives us what we can handle.
     “Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.”- Theodore I. Rubin