That Funny Little Thing Called Prayer

     The real blog post begins in paragraph three. Paragraph two is merely a detour.
     Here I am, at the end of my first week back to college. It’s been great and nightmarish. Two of my classes are online (Hooray!). One’s at the college itself. I only go to the college twice a week. As a lifelong homeschooler, I’m used to doing things on my own. It all works out pretty well. And then I contracted some short-lived virus that plagued me the night before and the day of yesterday, my second day in class. My stomach was in an uproar, my head was in shambles, my body forgot it had a brain, and my balance napped at inconvenient times. There was heavy traffic on the way there, so I contacted some friends. Even after they informed me that they were already on campus, I continued to inform them of the backup. See? Brain and mouth not communicating. At least they were amused… I’ve been told that my life is pathetically entertaining. Ah, but you probably do not want to hear about it…
     I want to discuss prayer. And life. And other related things. I’m not really sure how broad or specific this will be. Read on to find out!
     I’m not sure when it happened. Maybe a month ago. But here’s what happened:
     For about a year, I’ve been considering being a Christian counselor. I did a lot of research. I took two psychology classes. I mean, I was really serious about it. I knew I’d need a Master’s, something I was not looking forward to, but I could help people in God’s name, and do something I liked. I mean, that’s the dream, right?
     I was wrong. One day, my mom said something that triggered a memory. Someone, probably my mom, had once asked me if it was a good profession. Why it was a good match. And I suddenly knew; it was not. I was blown away by the question of while I might enjoy the job, would it be good for the other side? Would my patients benefit? I’m not exactly great with people. And I knew it wouldn’t be right to be selfish in that way. I could potentially hurt people. And it didn’t feel right. It actually never felt completely right, but close, and at that moment, it was wrong. It was all wrong. A whole year, gone.
     This last summer (it’s officially fall as of today), I explored my few options. And I found something new. Only one thing: American Sign Language Interpreter. I fell in love with deaf culture a year ago, and something last summer, something clicked. I explored my options, and was again happy. I was only sad in that I had yet to find a backup career.
     Two months, I believe, was I gung-ho for being an ASL interpreter. I was even signed up for ASL 2 at the college before the realization. Things were slipping into place.
     GOTCHA! I realized it was wrong for me. Maybe a month ago, I knew it was wrong, mostly for the same reason psychology was; people are just not in my repertoire. But it was closer that being a counselor had been. I knew I was getting closer.
     My greatest love is words. So I read a book about jobs in writing. Nada. I mean, I really needed to know my major. Wherever I went, I would have to declare a major. I wanted to apply early. And once I had my colleges narrowed down to a few, I could really look into their scholarship information. You see why it was a disheartening summer, right? All the research, Biblical devotions, reading, writing. I was aiming to discover what God wanted from me. And with my SAT scores? I considered taking a year off from school to get a job, and study again for that evil test unknown to my existence until a couple months before I took it. Ah, the huge pitfall of home schooling: your mother as your teacher means your knowledge outside of the subjects could very well only extend to her.
     I’m getting off topic. Let’s see… Ah, yes, I left off with finding out I wasn’t made for ASL interpreting, although ASL is a completely different topic.
     I’m not sure what possessed me that day, perhaps a month ago. Perhaps I do. I think it was from my extensive reading. I was reading a book about writing a novel, and the path it took to get published. Editors and the slush pile are all I really remember gave me the idea. So, I looked up the kind of jobs in a publishing house. Voila!
     The editors edit (of course), and sort through manuscripts. A book editor? Working with fiction? I looked at the entry level position, and even that looked positively lovely.
     I was in love, and I still am. Every little thing feels perfect. This isn’t good; this is very good. I mean, I’d major in English! Preferably literature.
     Sure, there are issues. I mean, I’m not sure exactly how God will work through me, but not everyone can be a missionary. My mom still is urging me to major in journalism because there are a lot more job opportunities, but I’ve never really liked journalism, although I love the word. My dad doesn’t even understand what the job is. But they’re small, and unrelated to what’s important: serving God. (Oh, dear, I do quite overuse colons and semicolons.)
     Counseling was like sticking the key in a door, ASL was turning the key, and editing was like opening the door. For all I know there are other steps, like walking in, cleaning, eating, sleeping, making the bed, etc… But I’m letting God be in charge of my movements. And this is at least a step in the right direction. It only took me, oh, I don’t know, seventeen years and seven months of observing, praying, researching, praying, deciding, praying, and praying to come to where I am now.
     Trust me, I’ve been praying about this for the majority of my life. I know I’m young, but I’m not patient at all. Knowing my major, and possible minors helped me sort through the 200+ colleges (I’m very thorough). And now, with God’s help, I’m embarking on the quest to choose a college. I’m 90% sure which one I want to go to, but I’ve still got to explore my options, with God’s assistance. For all I know, it’s what psychology was at first.
     I’m not sure how else to express where God should be in our lives. He’s a part of everything I do.
     Here’s a question:
     Where does God rank on your list of priorities?
     You have your answer? Here’s mine:
     He’s the paper the list is written on. Without the paper, there is no list. He should be the foundation of everything.
     I’m not going to lie; it gets difficult when God’s answer is to wait. And for the larger things in my life that I’ve prayed about, that tends to be the answer I get. Wait. Wait, Crystal. Be patient. One of these days…      And when He answers, I least expect it. I wasn’t looking for a career when it hit me.
     Just pray. And let God lead you. Because He always hears, and in the end, it’s always worth it.

    
     “I wish I had a quote, but my computer’s not working right. Please, God, please, God, PLEASE let it work this time!” -Joe
     “Not this time.” -God
     “… Fine.” -Joe

Legacy

     Why must everything be profound? Even little things are massive in the grand scheme of things. I’ve read quite a few books of poor quality, or ones that did quite the opposite of satisfying me. Had I given up on them early on, how many hours, how many days of my life would I get back? Little things add up…
     It’s tiring. I can’t reverse how I see things. I regret so much because of it. But I also know that right now, this very second even, I’m doing things I won’t regret. I won’t ever regret writing this blog. It’s too important. I don’t care that hardly anyone reads it; the few who do are a good enough reward.
     My time is so valuable now. Every little break I savor; every time I work on my projects, I glow. It irritates my family that I’m so conscientious of time. I think it’s a grand thing.
     I mean, what if I were to die tomorrow? It’s a morbid thought, perhaps, but it’s also motivational. It’s cliché, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important. I want to stand before God knowing that I made the most of this life. How can I do that if I waste away my time?
     I’m not sure how I got to this topic. I didn’t mean to talk about anything so deeply important. But it’s related, I suppose, to this post’s original purpose. Forgive my confused mind.
     Throughout this summer, I’ve had a list of daily things to accomplish. Every week, I made a new copy. At the end of each day, I’d count up the points. One week, I ran out of room on the double-sided, single spaced notebook paper, and had to just add a “Miscellaneous” category. Since then, I’ve added more and taken others off. It’s shrunk so that I can focus on reading more than a chapter in each book a day, or write more, or so on. And now the list has been greatly narrowed. But how do I choose what to cross off and what to add? How do we as Christians do this? How do we decide what’s important and what to throw away?
     A year ago, I began this terribly bewildering, difficult, and at times, painful quest. I was starting college, so the summer before I gave up some habits. This is embarrassing: as a homschooler, I had a lot of extra time, and almost unlimited access to the computer. After joining Facebook, I found out my mom played this game called Farmville. Ever heard of it? I started playing it as well. That was the time when at least a quarter of my friends were playing, if not more. Then I found other games. Then more. You know what’s sad? I could strategize my way through these games so well, it was not uncommon for me to be the top player among my friends. I was astonished by how much more time I had when I quit all of those things. When school started, I hardly had any time to do any writing for fun. All those notebooks in a giant box in my room sat idle for months at a time. That was truly excruciating for me.
     But where’s the line? What’s okay to cut, healthy even, like Farmville, and what’s hurtful? School took over my life. It gave me anxiety, made me sick, and made it so I stopped attending church and youth group, and stopped volunteering at AWANA. But I was still getting great grades. At the time, that’s what mattered. And now I have to face yet another miserable year of that in a month.
    When God told Noah to build the ark, there was no question about priorities. But not everything is so clear as that. Whenever I’m around something that has to do with psychology, I can’t stop myself from listening. When I learn ASL (American Sign Language), something just clicks. And when I’m reading or writing, I feel positively giddy. So, I’ve got the drive. But which should I devote my time to? Which job area should I pursue? Because everything I do is significant, I can’t imagine making the wrong choice.
     So how do we do it? Where’s the line? What’s healthy and what’s hurtful? While the line is getting clearer in some instances, like which books I should focus on, it gets blurry in others, like whether I should focus most of my time writing a novel I hope to publish (after quite a bit of editing, of course).
     Prayer. Reading the Bible. Talking with those we look to for Biblical wisdom. I’ve heard it all. I’ve tried it all. I’m not saying that these aren’t helpful; far from it! They’ve all helped me to an extent. And I’ll continue in these things. I just wish I had more patience, I guess. I mean, I am supposed to begin applying to colleges next month. But God will take care of it. He always does.
     Oh, Lord, please give me strength to continue in You and to see the line clearly.
     “Oh, I want to leave a legacy to be remembered.
     More than just a memory that fades away,
     Because we only, we only get one life.” -Sanctus Real