Never Give Up

     Oh, man, you’re so sore from that workout yesterday. And we need rest, right? Right. So, you can relax, forget about your projects for the day, and just chill. Oh, doesn’t that feel nice? But tomorrow, you’re going to dive right back into things.
     Tomorrow rolls around. Oh, and aren’t you still sore? And now you’ve caught a cold from exercising in the rain too much. Eh, one more day of relaxation won’t harm anyone, right?
     The next day is here. Ugh, you REALLY don’t feel like working. On anything! The cold’s on your nerves. Runny nose galore! But if it weren’t just your own, personal project, say it was a midterm paper that was due tomorrow, or taking your kid to a school play he’s in, you’d do that. But this? Who cares…
     Cold’s gone! Soreness has passed. But you’re just not in the mood to do anything that’s not mandatory. You have no motivation… And if it were truly important, you’d be motivated, right?
     This is how life, at least my life, tends to work. I’ll be on fire for something. Then, life gets in the way. I’m prone to illness, so for two and a half months, I suffered from sickness after sickness. I was also really stressed out; my class schedule was kind of nuts. I was so sick that once I missed an entire week of class, plus other miscellaneous days. It was the worst two and a half months of my life. I had to drop everything but school. My writing (both novels and, for the most part, this and another blog) was put on hold. I dropped everything but my schoolwork. After the first week of school, I stopped attending my youth group, another youth group I’d occasionally go to, church, and I stopped being able to volunteer at AWANA. I think I saw the doctor three times. The first time, on my birthday, they diagnosed me with anxiety disorder, drew my blood, and sent me on my way. My whole family, myself included, forgot it was my birthday until my dad remembered an hour after I woke up (one of the days I had to miss school). I think I lost somewhere between ten and fifteen pounds because it was so hard for me to eat on campus, and also sometimes at home. I hardly ever got enough sleep. I looked like death. I still managed to get a 4.0 in every class, except in one class with an impossible teacher, where I got a heinous 3.6. Yes, I’m an overachiever, but I also like to learn, and I think I only really learned in my Western religions class, because it was something I was passionate about, and more than interested in. But even in that class, I had to stop reading the textbook, losing a lot of information, so that I could focus more on things I was struggling with. Even when I focused on school, I had to eliminate some of it.
     Motivation and life. Satan could be affecting it. He sure wore me down during that time. In a ridiculously confusing way, he brought my life closer and further from God. At the same time!
     I’m human. And I’m not silly enough to say that I never struggle. We all do. But that’s when we grow the most. I’m always relied on God. Always. I mean, His shoulder should be bruised by how much I lean on Him! But those months? He let me know that it’s okay to be carried. It reminds me of that poem about footprints in the sand. He made me stronger through this. Maybe it sounds weak to you that I don’t rely on myself. It’s not weak, though. Placing your complete trust in something you cannot see, and handing over your life to Him, and then actually letting Him take control? It sounds scary, and kind of like you’re powerless. Like you’ve given up on yourself. I promise, you haven’t. In my first ever college class, my teacher had the class journal about certain topics. We had to write non-stop for fifteen minutes, I believe. The first time, I had no idea she was actually going to read them. When we had to hand them in, I wildly thought, Oh, no! What did I write?!? After that, though, I stopped caring that someone was going to read it. It’s a journal, and meant to be true. I just made sure not to be insulting, especially to her or the class. I remember getting one back once. She would always right notes on them.
     I have to say this: when I think about topics like, “Why are you going to college?” or, well, pretty much anything, I have a good habit of thinking as a Christian. My life is nothing without God, so that’s just how I express myself. I’m honest.
     Well, when I was writing, for some reason or other, about the future, and my plans, or some such thing, I couldn’t help but write about how I’m terribly uncertain, but it’s in God’s hands. Whatever He wants is what I’ll do. Now, my teacher, not being a Christian, wrote something along the lines of, “Why is in his decision? It’s your life. Why would God mind?” I didn’t realize how much she wouldn‘t understand. I mean, it doesn’t make me a wimp. And God gave me this life. I intend to live it for Him. Even if it means that He wants me to have a dozen children (kids and I don’t really see eye-to-eye…), I’ll do it. (And I didn’t say that I’d die for Him only because that is a much nicer path for me than having twelve kids. Yeah, they’re worse than death! For me, at least…)
     This teacher, she symbolizes a hindrance for some people. It’s hard for some people to cope with others laughing at them for their beliefs, or being told they’re being stupid. I remember having almost my entire class getting upset that I don’t support homosexuality during a pros and cons presentation I did with a couple classmates. I actually had one girl almost yelling at me. It was hard for me to keep calm, and actually stay focused enough to let the right words come out of my mouth.
     These obstacles we encounter are difficult, because, face it, if they’re obstacles, what else can they be? Easy? But we’re God’s spokespeople. What we do or say affects other people’s perceptions of Christianity. I’m hoping that my complete faith in God in my journals helped that teacher to see a bit clearer. And I’m also hoping that my standing up, and in a way I could be proud of, opened the hearts of my classmates.
Struggles like these can be used as opportunities to build yourself, and sometimes even others, in God. It’s a hard thing to overcome, but God only gives us what we can stand.
     I’d like to briefly go over motivation and obstacles in one more way: The lack of motivation. Just like the first story, I was NOT motivated. A couple days ago, I had friends over (HoboCon 2011!). Long story short, I ended up being really sore yesterday. It hurt to move, or even breathe. From about my sternum to an inch before my bellybutton, and two fists wide, ached, as though I’d done one million crunches. Today is no different. Even when I don’t move, I hurt. I’ve never been so incredibly sore in such an uncomfortable spot. I never realized how much I use my upper core until now. So, yesterday, not really being able to move about, I didn’t really even read. Not up to my usual par, at least. I still got through about five books. But I assumed it would pass. Now it’s the afternoon of today, and I hurt just as much. Oh, and now my back is starting to shock me. And I feel like I desperately need to sleep. Yeah, I’m not doing well… And, add to all of this my not being at all inspired or motivated to do anything of substance. Last night, right as I was going to sleep, I thought of a tragedy, and felt motivated, but only for a minute. Today, I began to start accomplishing a few things on my list, not really in the mood. Then…pop… A tiny bubble of motivation. Just ever so slight. So, I grabbed my things and prepared to hunker down on a couch (since my bed and desk are clearly off limits as they’re so comfortable and uncomfortable, respectively). My sister got upset; for days, or maybe even a week she’s been using it as a place to lay and watch videos, or play games on her iTouch. But, hey, I thought, what’s a couple hours? Quite a bit, apparently. When I asked her why she needed it, she said because of the iTouch. I asked her why I couldn’t use it for a few hours; at least I had a purpose, and couldn’t go anywhere else. She immediately fired back that I was being selfish. I only do things that benefit myself. You see irony in this, right? I told her that what she was doing wasn’t important, even to herself. But she kept yelling at me how I’m always just doing things that are for me.
     Do you know how many times I’ve tried to explain to my family what I’ve been doing? A little over a month ago, I changed. A lot. I quit bad habits and stopped wasting time. I’ve been focusing on studying for the SAT, finding out if I really need to take it to get into the college of my choice (I very well might not), reading the Bible, and Biblical studies, writing a novel to see if I can make a career out of it, or at least become published, reading novel-writing books, reading fiction to help my writing, exercising in small increments, and so on. Everything I do has a purpose, and sure, some most may be for my benefit, but I want to help others. How can I do that if I’m homeless, or if I can’t transfer to a college? How can I help others if I can’t build up my strengths, especially in God?
     It’s crucial that we keep persevering, no matter what’s thrown at us. For me, the hardest things are illness and having to battle my family’s opinions. And I’m struggling to get my Christian family, who brought me up like this, to understand.
     Isn’t it funny? I change for the better, and suddenly my family declares it’s not good enough, that I waste my time even more. Isn’t it funny that the more I try to help, the more anger is directed at me? I guess I expected that by stepping up, I’d at least be tolerable in my own family. I expected the world to be worse, but not this.
     Those who stand up and act according to their beliefs, and those who get closer to God are almost assuredly going to face harder and harder trials. This one for me, is horrible. My strongest support is gone. There is no encouragement. No praise.
     Persevere. Perseverance is a quality I’ve been building. I used to start projects, but never finish them. Not often. I still do, occasionally. But I’ve got to keep going. Think it’s easy to write a novel? Think about how many drafts I’m going to have to write of it. And think about how many times it will be rejected to be published. But it’s something I feel called toward. And so long as I feel that God’s supporting me, no matter how hard it gets, I plan on going for it. Will you?

     “If you ask my husband my best trait, he’ll smile and say, ‘She never gives up.’ But if you ask him my worst trait, he’ll get a funny tic in his cheek, narrow his eyes and hiss, ‘She. Never. Gives. Up.’” -Kathryn Stockett

Doing Hard Things For God

     Is something gnawing at your heart? Is your mind being pulled toward a path you’ve never traveled before? But are you also lost as to what your heart and mind want? Why must you go that way, you wonder. It’s like traveling without light; it feels foreign and wrong. But God doesn’t always let us stay in our comfort zone. He also doesn’t always tell us His plans.
     Guess what? That’s where I am right now. I’m headed for something. It feels like it’s coming at me fast, but I suppose I’m just not patient enough. I’m also not sure what this path is, yet I’m traveling on it! It sounds so ridiculous, and I doubt non-Christians, and even some Christians understand. Even those who do probably don’t perceive it as I do. Regardless, let me do my best at explaining it:
     God’s speaking so directly to me, it’s frustrating! I am so sure that God’s molding me to do something, be someone, and I’m not sure what the end result will be. I’m not even sure what it will require! Perhaps patients, eh?
     Still, He gave me a clear, proper warning, and I’ve taken heed of it. How so? Hmm, I wonder… Mayb-THOSE 20+ BOOKS, PERHAPS? Yeah, probably those, and the other things on my list of 44 things I’m meant to do daily (I’ve actually crossed off 10 things in the last few days. And I have a list of 18 books I’m going to read later.) See? Even without knowing what it is, I’m preparing. I’m not sure what it is, so I’m simultaneously reading the Bible, completing Bible studies and Christian studies, reading a couple self-help books (although, they’re not dull. One was especially fun to read! Although I’m done with it now…), doing higher level reading in fiction, learning guitar and keeping up with piano, as well as trying to write three books, two blogs, exercise, lead a healthier life, and clean. And… I find time to have fun?!? You betcha!
     Of course, some days, I don’t get much done. As it is, I don’t think I’ve ever once finished every single thing on my list. But that doesn’t matter. Each day, I feel compelled such-and-so books, but not this and that one. And that’s just fine. I’m putting in the effort where I deem it pertinent. Also, I’ve found that I get a lot more done either when it’s highly expected (like when I read a most of the books two mornings when I was at a friend’s house. Of course, we talked a lot, and watched a bit of TV, but by the time I left, I had finished much more than I usually would have at home, all because I had told him when I got there that I would be reading. [And it wasn’t a normal visit. I wasn’t being mean. It was more of because both of our families were gone until midday, and I hate being alone…]), or when it’s the afternoon or night. I have more drive, I’m better motivated, as well as more inspired. So that whole thing about work first and play later? While I fully believe it in most situations, such as studying for an exam, with my daily routine, it just doesn’t work! So in the morning and during midday, I take a lot of breaks. And it usually involves multitasking. When it’s not as important as studying God’s Word, why not? So, when I’m on the computer, I’m usually eating, or watching a Netflix DVD, or even both! Or I’ll watch a show while exercising or cleaning my room (where it’s usually helpful to use a computer, unless you live in the TV’s room, or have a TV in your room…). It helps with my not wasting time. Of course, it doesn’t always work. But this way, later in the day, I won’t feel like I’m wasting time by watching Netflix with my family, because I cleaned out a huge box in my closet while watching it, whereas otherwise I’d just feel as though I were wasting time by not doing something else as well.
     I know it sounds like a bunch or work, and some days it feels like that, but this is how I do things. I’ve become very time-conscious, which is something that my Mom’s been urging me to monitor. I hate wasting a minute. Still, I spend some breaks by actually taking a fully-fledged break. Some nights, after dinner, I’ll play badminton with my family.
     Let me tell you, it was TOUGH breaking all of my old habits and swapping them for what at first seemed irritatingly like a ton of hard work. And it was hard, at first. In my original list, I only had about ten things to do. It seemed impossible. But I quickly adjusted, and began adding more to my plate. The other day, I wanted to add about ten things! But I changed it to four, and crossed off a few books that I found unhelpful. It’s been about a month, now, and I’m shocked at what I’ve accomplished. Okay, so I’ve only finished three books I believe, but I’m close to finishing a lot more. And now I’m thinking about how sad it is that I didn’t start applying myself sooner. Hopefully, it will help me do better in college next year, among other things. It will pay off in the long run.
     It makes me wonder what most people, especially teenagers, could do if they focused more on applying themselves in things that will benefit them in the future. If more people decided to ignore our culture’s view of the youth, then I bet that there would be a huge change in teenager’s attitudes toward life.
My sister tells me constantly that I’m taking things too seriously. That I care too much about school, or where I’m going to apply for college. Is that really a bad thing? If I focus too much on it, yes, but caring about my present and future is something that I think more people, teenagers especially, should care about.
This brings me to what I believe is my final point: the world will always be against those who break the trend in the name of God. I don’t think anyone quite grasps what I’m doing or why. I try to explain, but no one seems to take me seriously because of my age. Even my family hasn’t been supportive. My mom acknowledges that I’m trying, but she also can’t understand how hard it is for me. She still thinks I waste time and energy on silly things, and I do a bit, but it’s being taken far out of context. I don’t think my dad even knows, despite the library I’m dragging around in two huge bags (on being a duffle bad, and the other, a beach bag). My sister flat out believes I’m wasting my time. And this is my family, my close, Christian family. Imagine the world!
     I can’t blame my family, though. It’s hard not to, because they’re always telling me to do a lot of other things, as though I have unlimited time since it’s summer, but I just can’t. The Bible tells us not to judge others. It’s something I’m working on, but it’s hard because my entire backbone of support is gone! And I need it. It helps to have a lot of support when your doing hard things, trust me. I get no praise or encouragement. I get quite the opposite at times. I do well as a goalie in soccer, or playing the piano, or in school, but those are only somewhat hard things for me. This, what I’m doing, has pushed me so hard that sometimes I want to give up, but I know I can’t. So I keep at it, without it ever being something that even my own family will tell me, “Good job,” about.
     That’s what it’s about. It’s about perseverance, despite it all. So long as God is for us, what else matters? I’m reminded of the five different kinds of hards listed in Do Hard Things:
1. We should strive to do hard things that are outside of our cozy comfort zone.
2. We should do more than what people expect or what is required (like doing extra cleaning).
3. We should do things too big to accomplish all by ourselves, like starting an organization, putting together a play, or even selling lemonade.
4. We should do our best to do things that don’t have an immediate payoff (like working out).
5. Lastly, we should do things that challenge our culture’s norm (like dressing moderately or resisting the temptation of watching that horrible film with friends).
     Oh, man, I’m doing all of those… Number five has almost always been a no brainer for me. I have no qualms about standing up for my unpopular beliefs. The others, however, are things I’ve struggled with. But I need help with writing a novel. I need feedback and well-meant criticism. Okay, so that’s number three. Almost every one of my projects fits under number four. It’s a hard one because I can’t help but think, “So what if I don’t exercise? It’s ONE DAY.” It’s probably the reason I procrastinate with things, like schoolwork. I’ve been working gradually on number one. I don’t leave the house all that often, but when I do, I try to do something that I normally wouldn’t. Also, whenever I add something to that monstrosity of a list, I’m making my comfort zone wider. I’ve tried to be more honest about who I am to people, including my family. And I’ve been driving more lately, which is something I loathe. Little changes to that comfort zone, and who knows how huge it could one day be? In regards to number two, I do that all the time. No one ever really notices, but I know, and it makes me happy (at least until I’m yelled at for not doing so-and-so, when I just did it times five). But most people don’t expect much from teenagers, even the ones who exceed expectations. I’m doing my best to push that boundary.
     I hope that you can appreciate my story. You probably don’t, or at least not much. I don’t care. I just hope you understand that God put us here to do His will, and not just at certain times. But if we do His will, we’ll always be opposed. Does that matter? God calls us to stand for Him and to do hard things… for HIM. And if God were saying this, I doubt you’d directly tell Him no. Yet we do it indirectly all of the time. We CAN make a difference. It just requires that we do things that push us to our limits, but never beyond. God only ever gives us what we can handle.
     “Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.”- Theodore I. Rubin