Legacy

     Why must everything be profound? Even little things are massive in the grand scheme of things. I’ve read quite a few books of poor quality, or ones that did quite the opposite of satisfying me. Had I given up on them early on, how many hours, how many days of my life would I get back? Little things add up…
     It’s tiring. I can’t reverse how I see things. I regret so much because of it. But I also know that right now, this very second even, I’m doing things I won’t regret. I won’t ever regret writing this blog. It’s too important. I don’t care that hardly anyone reads it; the few who do are a good enough reward.
     My time is so valuable now. Every little break I savor; every time I work on my projects, I glow. It irritates my family that I’m so conscientious of time. I think it’s a grand thing.
     I mean, what if I were to die tomorrow? It’s a morbid thought, perhaps, but it’s also motivational. It’s cliché, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important. I want to stand before God knowing that I made the most of this life. How can I do that if I waste away my time?
     I’m not sure how I got to this topic. I didn’t mean to talk about anything so deeply important. But it’s related, I suppose, to this post’s original purpose. Forgive my confused mind.
     Throughout this summer, I’ve had a list of daily things to accomplish. Every week, I made a new copy. At the end of each day, I’d count up the points. One week, I ran out of room on the double-sided, single spaced notebook paper, and had to just add a “Miscellaneous” category. Since then, I’ve added more and taken others off. It’s shrunk so that I can focus on reading more than a chapter in each book a day, or write more, or so on. And now the list has been greatly narrowed. But how do I choose what to cross off and what to add? How do we as Christians do this? How do we decide what’s important and what to throw away?
     A year ago, I began this terribly bewildering, difficult, and at times, painful quest. I was starting college, so the summer before I gave up some habits. This is embarrassing: as a homschooler, I had a lot of extra time, and almost unlimited access to the computer. After joining Facebook, I found out my mom played this game called Farmville. Ever heard of it? I started playing it as well. That was the time when at least a quarter of my friends were playing, if not more. Then I found other games. Then more. You know what’s sad? I could strategize my way through these games so well, it was not uncommon for me to be the top player among my friends. I was astonished by how much more time I had when I quit all of those things. When school started, I hardly had any time to do any writing for fun. All those notebooks in a giant box in my room sat idle for months at a time. That was truly excruciating for me.
     But where’s the line? What’s okay to cut, healthy even, like Farmville, and what’s hurtful? School took over my life. It gave me anxiety, made me sick, and made it so I stopped attending church and youth group, and stopped volunteering at AWANA. But I was still getting great grades. At the time, that’s what mattered. And now I have to face yet another miserable year of that in a month.
    When God told Noah to build the ark, there was no question about priorities. But not everything is so clear as that. Whenever I’m around something that has to do with psychology, I can’t stop myself from listening. When I learn ASL (American Sign Language), something just clicks. And when I’m reading or writing, I feel positively giddy. So, I’ve got the drive. But which should I devote my time to? Which job area should I pursue? Because everything I do is significant, I can’t imagine making the wrong choice.
     So how do we do it? Where’s the line? What’s healthy and what’s hurtful? While the line is getting clearer in some instances, like which books I should focus on, it gets blurry in others, like whether I should focus most of my time writing a novel I hope to publish (after quite a bit of editing, of course).
     Prayer. Reading the Bible. Talking with those we look to for Biblical wisdom. I’ve heard it all. I’ve tried it all. I’m not saying that these aren’t helpful; far from it! They’ve all helped me to an extent. And I’ll continue in these things. I just wish I had more patience, I guess. I mean, I am supposed to begin applying to colleges next month. But God will take care of it. He always does.
     Oh, Lord, please give me strength to continue in You and to see the line clearly.
     “Oh, I want to leave a legacy to be remembered.
     More than just a memory that fades away,
     Because we only, we only get one life.” -Sanctus Real

Never Give Up

     Oh, man, you’re so sore from that workout yesterday. And we need rest, right? Right. So, you can relax, forget about your projects for the day, and just chill. Oh, doesn’t that feel nice? But tomorrow, you’re going to dive right back into things.
     Tomorrow rolls around. Oh, and aren’t you still sore? And now you’ve caught a cold from exercising in the rain too much. Eh, one more day of relaxation won’t harm anyone, right?
     The next day is here. Ugh, you REALLY don’t feel like working. On anything! The cold’s on your nerves. Runny nose galore! But if it weren’t just your own, personal project, say it was a midterm paper that was due tomorrow, or taking your kid to a school play he’s in, you’d do that. But this? Who cares…
     Cold’s gone! Soreness has passed. But you’re just not in the mood to do anything that’s not mandatory. You have no motivation… And if it were truly important, you’d be motivated, right?
     This is how life, at least my life, tends to work. I’ll be on fire for something. Then, life gets in the way. I’m prone to illness, so for two and a half months, I suffered from sickness after sickness. I was also really stressed out; my class schedule was kind of nuts. I was so sick that once I missed an entire week of class, plus other miscellaneous days. It was the worst two and a half months of my life. I had to drop everything but school. My writing (both novels and, for the most part, this and another blog) was put on hold. I dropped everything but my schoolwork. After the first week of school, I stopped attending my youth group, another youth group I’d occasionally go to, church, and I stopped being able to volunteer at AWANA. I think I saw the doctor three times. The first time, on my birthday, they diagnosed me with anxiety disorder, drew my blood, and sent me on my way. My whole family, myself included, forgot it was my birthday until my dad remembered an hour after I woke up (one of the days I had to miss school). I think I lost somewhere between ten and fifteen pounds because it was so hard for me to eat on campus, and also sometimes at home. I hardly ever got enough sleep. I looked like death. I still managed to get a 4.0 in every class, except in one class with an impossible teacher, where I got a heinous 3.6. Yes, I’m an overachiever, but I also like to learn, and I think I only really learned in my Western religions class, because it was something I was passionate about, and more than interested in. But even in that class, I had to stop reading the textbook, losing a lot of information, so that I could focus more on things I was struggling with. Even when I focused on school, I had to eliminate some of it.
     Motivation and life. Satan could be affecting it. He sure wore me down during that time. In a ridiculously confusing way, he brought my life closer and further from God. At the same time!
     I’m human. And I’m not silly enough to say that I never struggle. We all do. But that’s when we grow the most. I’m always relied on God. Always. I mean, His shoulder should be bruised by how much I lean on Him! But those months? He let me know that it’s okay to be carried. It reminds me of that poem about footprints in the sand. He made me stronger through this. Maybe it sounds weak to you that I don’t rely on myself. It’s not weak, though. Placing your complete trust in something you cannot see, and handing over your life to Him, and then actually letting Him take control? It sounds scary, and kind of like you’re powerless. Like you’ve given up on yourself. I promise, you haven’t. In my first ever college class, my teacher had the class journal about certain topics. We had to write non-stop for fifteen minutes, I believe. The first time, I had no idea she was actually going to read them. When we had to hand them in, I wildly thought, Oh, no! What did I write?!? After that, though, I stopped caring that someone was going to read it. It’s a journal, and meant to be true. I just made sure not to be insulting, especially to her or the class. I remember getting one back once. She would always right notes on them.
     I have to say this: when I think about topics like, “Why are you going to college?” or, well, pretty much anything, I have a good habit of thinking as a Christian. My life is nothing without God, so that’s just how I express myself. I’m honest.
     Well, when I was writing, for some reason or other, about the future, and my plans, or some such thing, I couldn’t help but write about how I’m terribly uncertain, but it’s in God’s hands. Whatever He wants is what I’ll do. Now, my teacher, not being a Christian, wrote something along the lines of, “Why is in his decision? It’s your life. Why would God mind?” I didn’t realize how much she wouldn‘t understand. I mean, it doesn’t make me a wimp. And God gave me this life. I intend to live it for Him. Even if it means that He wants me to have a dozen children (kids and I don’t really see eye-to-eye…), I’ll do it. (And I didn’t say that I’d die for Him only because that is a much nicer path for me than having twelve kids. Yeah, they’re worse than death! For me, at least…)
     This teacher, she symbolizes a hindrance for some people. It’s hard for some people to cope with others laughing at them for their beliefs, or being told they’re being stupid. I remember having almost my entire class getting upset that I don’t support homosexuality during a pros and cons presentation I did with a couple classmates. I actually had one girl almost yelling at me. It was hard for me to keep calm, and actually stay focused enough to let the right words come out of my mouth.
     These obstacles we encounter are difficult, because, face it, if they’re obstacles, what else can they be? Easy? But we’re God’s spokespeople. What we do or say affects other people’s perceptions of Christianity. I’m hoping that my complete faith in God in my journals helped that teacher to see a bit clearer. And I’m also hoping that my standing up, and in a way I could be proud of, opened the hearts of my classmates.
Struggles like these can be used as opportunities to build yourself, and sometimes even others, in God. It’s a hard thing to overcome, but God only gives us what we can stand.
     I’d like to briefly go over motivation and obstacles in one more way: The lack of motivation. Just like the first story, I was NOT motivated. A couple days ago, I had friends over (HoboCon 2011!). Long story short, I ended up being really sore yesterday. It hurt to move, or even breathe. From about my sternum to an inch before my bellybutton, and two fists wide, ached, as though I’d done one million crunches. Today is no different. Even when I don’t move, I hurt. I’ve never been so incredibly sore in such an uncomfortable spot. I never realized how much I use my upper core until now. So, yesterday, not really being able to move about, I didn’t really even read. Not up to my usual par, at least. I still got through about five books. But I assumed it would pass. Now it’s the afternoon of today, and I hurt just as much. Oh, and now my back is starting to shock me. And I feel like I desperately need to sleep. Yeah, I’m not doing well… And, add to all of this my not being at all inspired or motivated to do anything of substance. Last night, right as I was going to sleep, I thought of a tragedy, and felt motivated, but only for a minute. Today, I began to start accomplishing a few things on my list, not really in the mood. Then…pop… A tiny bubble of motivation. Just ever so slight. So, I grabbed my things and prepared to hunker down on a couch (since my bed and desk are clearly off limits as they’re so comfortable and uncomfortable, respectively). My sister got upset; for days, or maybe even a week she’s been using it as a place to lay and watch videos, or play games on her iTouch. But, hey, I thought, what’s a couple hours? Quite a bit, apparently. When I asked her why she needed it, she said because of the iTouch. I asked her why I couldn’t use it for a few hours; at least I had a purpose, and couldn’t go anywhere else. She immediately fired back that I was being selfish. I only do things that benefit myself. You see irony in this, right? I told her that what she was doing wasn’t important, even to herself. But she kept yelling at me how I’m always just doing things that are for me.
     Do you know how many times I’ve tried to explain to my family what I’ve been doing? A little over a month ago, I changed. A lot. I quit bad habits and stopped wasting time. I’ve been focusing on studying for the SAT, finding out if I really need to take it to get into the college of my choice (I very well might not), reading the Bible, and Biblical studies, writing a novel to see if I can make a career out of it, or at least become published, reading novel-writing books, reading fiction to help my writing, exercising in small increments, and so on. Everything I do has a purpose, and sure, some most may be for my benefit, but I want to help others. How can I do that if I’m homeless, or if I can’t transfer to a college? How can I help others if I can’t build up my strengths, especially in God?
     It’s crucial that we keep persevering, no matter what’s thrown at us. For me, the hardest things are illness and having to battle my family’s opinions. And I’m struggling to get my Christian family, who brought me up like this, to understand.
     Isn’t it funny? I change for the better, and suddenly my family declares it’s not good enough, that I waste my time even more. Isn’t it funny that the more I try to help, the more anger is directed at me? I guess I expected that by stepping up, I’d at least be tolerable in my own family. I expected the world to be worse, but not this.
     Those who stand up and act according to their beliefs, and those who get closer to God are almost assuredly going to face harder and harder trials. This one for me, is horrible. My strongest support is gone. There is no encouragement. No praise.
     Persevere. Perseverance is a quality I’ve been building. I used to start projects, but never finish them. Not often. I still do, occasionally. But I’ve got to keep going. Think it’s easy to write a novel? Think about how many drafts I’m going to have to write of it. And think about how many times it will be rejected to be published. But it’s something I feel called toward. And so long as I feel that God’s supporting me, no matter how hard it gets, I plan on going for it. Will you?

     “If you ask my husband my best trait, he’ll smile and say, ‘She never gives up.’ But if you ask him my worst trait, he’ll get a funny tic in his cheek, narrow his eyes and hiss, ‘She. Never. Gives. Up.’” -Kathryn Stockett